Saturday, August 11, 2012

The Wreck of the 'Willard Mitt Romney'

We Start with An Apology . . . Gaffes, Boners, and with Friends Like This, Who Needs Enemas? . . . Borne Back Into the Past . . . A Surprising Resemblance . . .  . 

"At seven p.m. his coiffure caved in
'Twas the wreck of the 'Willard Mitt Romney!'"
(With many apologies to Gordon Lightfoot.)

It has not been a good couple of months for Mittens, dear readers.  Ordinarily I would have described every delicious sound bite of it, but they were coming so thick and fast I might have gained ten pounds just on the yummy schadenfreude.

We'll start with his foreign trip.  Now, back in 2008, then-Senator Barack Obama went to the Middle East and Europe to get a bit of exposure in foreign policy.  Senator McCain's supporters salivated at the prospect that Obama would fail mightily, or at least commit a few gaffes that they could use.

Didn't happen.  Obama hit all the right notes, leaving McCain nothing to get a tooth into.

So Mittens went to Europe, and you would think that being such a tightly-scripted fellow, he would be very careful, right?

Wrong.

He started out by dissing the British for their Olympics preparations, while rather oddly disclaiming that he knew anything about dressage or the horse his wife had in the Games.  Which is sort of strange, as he got a $77,000 tax credit for the glue factory refugee.  The horse, not his wife.

Then it was on to Israel, where he got a soft, wet blowjob from a newspaper belonging to Las Vegas billionaire Sheldon Adelson, Newt Gingrich's erstwhile sugar daddy, and a good firm reacharound from Prime Minister Netanyahu. 

Unfortunately, he boobed it there as well.  He praised Israel's health care system for using only 8% of GDP whereas we use 18% (therefore a tacit admission that Israel's universal - socialized - health care is superior to ours), offended both the Israelis and the Palestinians by whipsawing over whose culture was 'superior,' and (after returning to the USA) dissing the Israeli kibbutzim, which are near and dear to their hearts.  It probably didn't help to have the President of Israel and that country's Defense Minister praising Obama for his defense of Israel.

Then it was on to Poland, where he got some love from Lech Walesa.  Unfortunately, the Solidarity trades union released a press item distancing themselves from their onetime member and leader, based on Mitt's anti-union positions.  And (and this must have hurt any ordinary man, but not the Well-Coiffed 2x4) he was met by Polish Ron Paul supporters when he fetched up in Warsaw.

Back in his home country, Mitt continued to bumble, this time running as far away from his record at Bain Capital and his term as Governor of Massachusetts as he possibly could, and fending off repeated calls (even from Republicans) to release his tax returns.

His 'retroactive retirement' from Bain drew quite a few chuckles, an aide's mention of Romneycare (the direct progenitor of Obamacare) drew screams of outrage from the Far Right - and here's a thought for you:  When Romney was being vetted for McCain's Veep, he released his tax returns to the campaign, and (despite his term as Governor, his CEO credentials and the Salt Lake Olympics) the McCain Campaign still thought that Sarah Palin was the better choice.  Wrap your heads around that, folks.  

So how do you change the conversation?  How do you, so they say, shake the Etch-a-Sketch?

In Romney's case, you change things by picking a Vice President who is strong where you're weak.

And where is Romney weak?  In his conservative credentials.  The Tea Party have a down on him, the Religious Right suspect him, and even mainstream Republicans don't like him very much.

So he made a choice, from a field of rejects, morons and drooling defectives.  

It was this morning, on the deck of the USS Wisconsin, that Mittens announced his choice for Vice President.

Riff Raff, cue the music!


The irony was palpable.  Romney never served in the military, and spent Vietnam holed up in France for missionary work (and four draft deferments).  His sons have also never served in the military, even though they had ample opportunity.  He explained that they were serving their country by campaigning for him.

And, apparently, doing his hatchet work for him.  Son Tagg was detailed to call Tim Pawlenty and the others (Rubio, Christie, etc.) to tell them that they didn't measure up.

Mittens had picked the guy most often put forward by the Tea Party.  Congressman Paul Ryan of Wisconsin.

Paul Ryan.  Author of the GOP "Path to Prosperity" budget that said a lot of words but boiled down to immense tax cuts for the very rich, gutting the safety net and eliminating Medicare as we know it, guaranteeing early death of abject poverty for millions of elderly and ill Americans.

Paul Ryan, who has the unmitigated gall to excoriate Obama for not working in the private sector, while he himself has spent half his lifetime in Congress, enjoying government-supplied healthcare.

Paul Ryan, who, astoundingly, looks like Eddie Munster.

Who?

This guy:





Here's Ryan, so you can see for yourself:

Separated at birth?  We report, you decide.




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