Thursday, April 25, 2013

The GOP Examines Itself

Mene, Mene, Tekel, Upharsin . . . Working in Texas?  Or Bangladesh? . . . Getting Nerve-ous About Syria . . . Lunkhead Luntz Talks Out of Turn . . . 

It's been a while, ever since the Election of 2012 in fact.

You know what I'm talking about.  The election where Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan were supposed to win, right?  All the numbers (the "real" numbers that Karl Rove and all the other right-wing chatterers claimed to have) pointed to it.  The polls, unskewed, favored the Simp and the Gimp.

Until 11:15 PM, Election Night.

When the quaint and cozy delusion pattern the GOP set up for itself . . . collapsed.

Like a soap bubble.

Like a fart in a whirlwind.

Throughout the lonely months of winter - December, January, February - the Republican Party's various factions communed with each other and examined themselves.

Not unlike this, really:

And the various factions (the Establishment, the Neocons, the Theocons, the Crazies, the Zombies, and the Outright Insane) pontificated and sniped and raged at one another, furious anger and confusion fueling their mutual hatred of each other but firmly believing that they need each other.

Sort of like a meth-addicted couple who beat each other regularly, but rely upon each other for that next fix.

And the result of this soul-searching?  Was it to moderate their message?  To try to be more inclusive?  To try to stop saying stupid shit that alienates entire swaths of eligible voters?

Are you kidding me?

The Great Idea that they've come up with is that the substance of the message is fine and dandy.  What's wrong is that the message isn't being presented properly.

It's kind of like the Conquistador Coffee Sketch:

Yeah.  Like that. 

Despite what they feel is the necessity to "rebrand' themselves (as well as their constant assertions, reality to the contrary, that they are on the 'right' side of history), the GOP is still managing to brand themselves as the Party of No, the Party of Nobody But Us Elderly White Folk, the Party of the Stupid, and the Party of the Totally Bugfuck Crazy.


Partially eclipsed by the Boston Marathon bombings and the subsequent manhunt, shootout and capture of the two c*nts involved came this little incident in the small town of West in the State of Texas:

Quite gruesome; 15 dead and 160 injured as of right now.  Investigators are still in "What the fuck happened?" mode, but it might have had something to do with the facts that the plant was burning wooden pallets and that the owners and operators of the plant lied out their asses to the EPA and OSHA.

The first lie was that the anhydrous ammonia and ammonia nitrate the plant used and produced posed no fire hazard.  I guess people don't recall the Texas City disaster of 1947, which involved ammonia nitrate fertilizer and killed nearly 600 people in America's worst-ever industrial accident.

The other lie was the amount of fertilizer they had on hand - ten times the amount they were supposed to have, or a whopping 540 tons of the stuff.  That, a fire, and the fact that there were occupied dwellings scant blocks away from it were a recipe for disaster.

But that's Texas for you - very business-friendly.

Sort of like in Savar, a suburb of Dhaka, Bangladesh, where the government told the owners of a garment plant to shut down because the building was unsafe (the upper floors had been added without a permit).  The owners forced their low-wage employees to work, and the building collapsed.  250 dead at last report, and it could go higher.

Fortunately, Bangladesh isn't like Texas, so there's a good chance that the owners or operators of this death trap will be prosecuted.


The Syrian Civil War proceeds without a letup, and the West is getting antsy.  See, Syria actually has an arsenal of chemical weapons (like the nerve gas known as Sarin) and the fear is that Dr. Assad and his boys will use them on the rebels.

Well, start bracing yourselves, folks.

There are indications that Sarin has, in fact, been used.  Investigations are ongoing to confirm this.

If true, the West (and the United States) are in a pickle.  Use of WMDs in Syria have been a 'red line' that, once crossed, will require military intervention.  However, this will cause the West to butt heads with the Russians, Syria's main prop and trading partner since the rest of the world cut them off.  Despite what the Neocons may screech at you, gentle reader, you do not want to piss off the Russians too much.


Frank Luntz is one of those GOP "political analysts" who were revealed to be naked and masturbating in a corner when the actual numbers came in on Election Night, hugging his horn to thoughts of the unbridled hell that would have been a Mitt Romney Administration.

Like his fellows, he's been examining what went wrong, and in a talk with a crowd of College Republicans at the University of Pennsylvania a day or so ago he decided to Reveal All.

But before he would Reveal All, he said to the lone campus reporter, he'd have to speak off the record.  The reporter obligingly shut off the video camera.

And one student drew his iPhone from its holster, and recorded the thing.

Luntz held forth about the impact the right-wing media had on the perception that entire GOP apparatus, upticket and down, were a howling pack of crazed hyenas and shit-flinging monkeys who were intent on destroying everything from minority rights to women's reproductive rights to labor rights to the entire social safety net, all while giving warm, wet mouth-hugs to the upper crust, military contractors and the very people who ran the economy into the briar patch in the first place.

Luntz singled out the biggest offender of them all.

And who might that be, you may ask?

None other than The Bloviator-in-Chief; Head Party Ideologist and Leader of the Rampage since 1992, Rush "Hillbilly Heroin" Limbaugh."

Naturally the crowd gasped at this. 

Naturally they hung upon his every word.

Naturally the enterprising student gave the video to Mother Jones, who promptly disseminated it over the Web.

We shall see now whether Rush will merely let Luntz off with a severe public flogging followed by a profuse apology and an attempt to spin it in Rush's favor, or Rush unleashes the devastating power of the Zombies and the Crazies to rip Luntz into little tiny pieces for revealing State (well, Party) Secrets.

Because it's all about the branding, you know.  The GOP is trying to present itself as the Party of Rainbow-Pooping Unicorns, after all.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013


The Curiosity Rover's been on Mars for a while now, digging in the dusty red soil and drilling into rocks, helping (at a very long distance - I'd hate to see the roaming charges) unravel at least a few of the secrets of the Red Planet.

So you'd figure the robot might want to blow off a bit of steam, in a quintessentially American fashion:

Could've been worse; it could have been carving gang tags in the dirt, or "Kilroy was here!"

Now, of course this is inadvertent; the rover was being driven around and executed a series of turns.

But with all the dreck going on right now, it's good for a laugh.

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Who'da Thunk It?

I couldn't believe it.

But there it was.

Florida Governor (p)Rick Scott actually did something I agree with, signing into law a bill limiting the use of remotely piloted vehicles (drones) by law enforcement agencies.

This is a blow in favor of privacy rights and civil liberties, and a blow against all those surveillance freaks who think that the idea of "smaller government" includes having said smaller government spy on you at every opportunity.

Mind you, Rick's still a prick, a fraudulent criminal bastard who isn't worth pissing on if he were on fire. 

But I do agree with him on this.

Friday, April 19, 2013

A Bucket of C*nts

Because, sometimes, you just have to say it.

Over the past few weeks, and particularly this week, we as Americans have been confronted by a large, deep, and rank-smelling Bucket of C*nts.

It started Monday when two complete c*nts set off a pair of bombs at the finish line of the Boston Marathon.  The devices were designed to maim as many people as possible, and three people died.  As I write this, one of them is dead and the other's on the loose as Metro Boston remains on lockdown and there are videos of armed police sweeping through neighborhoods like some dystopian vision of a rosy conservative future.

Tuesday wasn't too much better, with North Korea still making mouth farts about turning Seoul into a sea of flames just because they're c*nts.  Tuesday also saw the dragnet closing around a c*nt from Mississippi named Paul Curtis, who the FBI tapped as the schlub who sent poison-laced letters to a Mississippi judge, the junior Republican Senator from said state, and to President Obama.  His family and friends say he has mental issues and says the Gummint's trying to control him with drones, but he's still a c*nt.

Wednesday a factory that makes ammonia nitrate fertilizer caught fire and did the big firework in the small Texas town of West.  They're still finding bodies and the blast knocked down or damaged buildings in a four-block radius from the plant.  The victims, their families and the first responders have acted admirably.  The c*nts, in this case, are the members of the Texas Congressional delegation who are already yawping about getting Federal disaster funds - these are among the same c*nts who refused to send money to the victims and survivors of Hurricane Sandy last year.  Oh, and Texas' secessionist, fundamentalist, and borderline psychopathic Governor (surely a huge c*nt himself, based upon his performance to date) is also asking the Big Bad Evil Gummint that he has threatened to separate from to help out.

Which brings us to Thursday.  They're still probing the fertilizer factory and adjoining damage area, and I rather expect another bucket of c*nts will show up in the form of the owners of the plant, who pooh-poohed the notion that the place would ever catch fire and go all explode-y and shit.  I hate to be hopeful, but it'd be nice to see some of these pricks do a perp walk.

Thursday also saw the FBI unveil pictures of the two c*nts who set off the bombs in Boston, and the hunt was on.  Over the course of the night one of them, Mr. Black Hat, was shot and later died at the hospital, one MIT campus policeman was shot dead, and a transit cop was wounded, and there was a running gun battle in the streets of Watertown that featured the two c*nts tossing explosives at the cops.  This does not endear one to the police, I will assure you. 

So now it's Friday, the twentieth anniversary of the day the FBI and the ATF finally stopped the siege of the Branch Davidian compound in Waco Texas by gassing the place.  This act prompted those inside to set fires and essentially cremate themselves.  The cult's leader, David Koresh (who earns a C*nt Emeritus spot today) was found dead with a gunshot wound in his skull.  It's also the eighteenth anniversary of the day two complete c*nts named Terry Nichols and Timothy McVeigh set off a truck bomb that destroyed the Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City, killing 168 people. 

McVeigh went the way of all c*nts, dead by execution.  Nichols is serving life without parole.  A fitting end for a pair of c*nts.

What's that?  You say you want more c*nts?  Happy to oblige.

Let's start with some creepy c*nt named Bidondi, whose first question to Governor Patrick of Massachusetts back on Monday wasn't about the news, or the bombing, or the victims, but about feeding his own readers' fear and hatred - whether the Marathon bombing was a "false flag" operation designed by the TSA to take away more of our freedoms.  Had I been the Governor, I would have had him thrown out on his sorry c*nt ass.

Then we have National Rifle Association and Gun Manufacturer's Meat Puppet Wayne LaPierre and all the little meat puppets that he has dancing to his tune.  By a winning combination of massive monetary lubrication, lies, fearmongering and threats, Li'l Wayne managed to get any whiff of gun control (no matter how badly watered down into inanity) defeated in the Senate.  Added c*ntery was provided by Senator Harry "Weak" Reid of Nevada, Diane Feinstein of California and the others (including, yes, President Obama) who couldn't fathom why their watered-down filibuster rules were unable to stop the wave of rampant c*ntery.

CNN, FOX, and the New York Post were acting like a bunch of stupid c*nts back on Tuesday.  FOX and CNN both pounced on CNN's John King's "revelation without confirmation" that a supposed dark-skinned man had been arrested in the Marathon bombing case, and the Post went all c*nt for basically fingering a seventeen-year-old boy for the act, and refusing to retract.

So it's been a five day stretch, and nothing but a steaming bucket of c*nts clogging up the news. 

What will the weekend bring?

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Bombs in Boston

Cursed be the hands that let this blood from hence!

Cursed forever be the hearts that had the heart to do it!

At 2:50 local time yesterday, two bombs exploded near the finish line of the famous Boston Marathon.  As of now, three are dead, with more than one hundred injured.  The devices were shrapnel bombs, filled with ball bearings and were placed in garbage cans.  Eyewitnesses report seeing victims without legs.

The victims and the families of the dead are much in our thoughts as the entire ponderous weight of the American security apparatus is mobilized to investigate this horrid crime, and bring whoever did it to justice or to an anonymous grave.

Either is preferable, thank you.

Monday, April 08, 2013


Historically, Republican politicians tend to get snarled up in scandals involving money corruption (ITT, Bechtel, AbScam, etc.).  In very few cases (cough Iran-Contra cough cough), these end up costing American lives.

Historically, Democratic politicians tend to get snarled up in scandals involving sex and moral turpitude (Wilbur Mills, Jim McGreevy, Eliot Spitzer, et. al.).  In most of these cases, these scandals end up costing people credibility, if not actual careers.

Over the past ten years or so, we've seen that historical pattern reversed.  Republicans like Larry Craig and David Vitter have been popped for doing kinky things (Craig for trying to pull an undercover cop in an airport bathroom for a bit of the penis; Vitter for renting hookers to diaper him and spank him until he wets himself), and lesser political lights have been seen doing the perp walk for everything from public lewdness to child pornography.

Democrats, on the other hand, have been happy to take up the slack, money corruption-wise.  I shall give you two cases in point, and both from New York.  For added Irony Points, one is a rare display of true bipartisanship.

The first scandal hinges on a law in New York that says you can run on the GOP ticket for Mayor of New York City even if you're a Democrat (and vice versa), so long as 3/5 of the borough leaderships agree to it.  Enter a Democratic State Senator who really, really wants to be Mayor of Fun City (probably because the job pays more than being an apparatchik in Albany).  So he colludes with a number of GOP politicos to get his name certified to run on the Republican ballot. 

To say that money changed hands would be superfluous at this time. 

The FBI caught wind of it (as they always will - come on folks, we live in a police state), and planted an informant with a wire to catch the maneuvers in the act.  They've all been arrested, in a true display of the fact that Democrats and Republicans can, indeed, work together toward common goals.

And now we turn to another Democrat from Noo Yawk, Bronx Assemblyman Eric Stevenson.  It seems that the Federales caught him taking bribes from the operators of adult day care centers in exchange for legislation that would protect those centers from competition.  A very cozy arrangement, like Aunt Effie's prized patchwork quilt.

But you have to acknowledge Assemblyman Stevenson's cast-brass balls.  Despite the prosecutors saying that they have video (VIDEO!) of him accepting envelopes full of money, he maintains that he was at home reading the Bible at the time.

It couldn't be any more Richard III if he'd been "discovered with two deep divines."

It's going to be fun to watch how all this plays out, so lay in more popcorn.

Two Ladies Down, RIP

Margaret, Baroness Thatcher, passed away from complications due to Alzheimer's Disease. She was 87.

Thatcher was the first woman to become Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, and her monetary and economic policies, while making the UK a more capitalist-leaning nation, threw millions out of work as she ruthlessly broke the miners' unions and privatized national industries.  Her attempt at instituting a poll tax led to widespread rioting.

Her foreign policy smacked of defense, capitalizing on the relationship between her and the other Great Conservative Icon of the Eighties, Ronald Reagan.  She, like others in the UK, suffered a collective rush of blood to the head and virtually abandoned the UK's posture in the North Atlantic to go haring 6,000 miles to take back the Falkland Islands.  Fortunately, the British won.

Maggie lasted a bit longer than Ronnie did after he got brain bubbles, but for all her vaunted inner strength the Iron Lady was doomed.  Alzheimer's is currently incurable, although several interesting avenues of attack are being researched.

Annette Funicello, one of the original Mouseketeers and later star of the Beach movies, passed away from complications related to multiple sclerosis. She was 70.

She was fresh-faced and personable, and even though her movies with Frankie Avalon are now almost entirely cringe-worthy, she had a good singing voice. 

She, like Maggie, was doomed.  Multiple sclerosis has many treatments, but no direct cure.  Research is ongoing.

May they both rest in peace.