Pass the Moist Towelettes

May as well get out the bleach, too.

There was a slick, slippery, filthy surge of Santorum all over Colorado, Minnesota and Missouri last night, as Republican voters representing minor fractions of actual registered GOP voters went to caucus in those three states. In a bizarre twist, there were no actual delegates granted to any of the candidates; those will be granted later, making these three states largely a popularity contest.

But it wasn't a good night for Mr. Inevitable, the firebrand populist from Massachusetts, Willard 'Mitt' Romney.

To begin with, he lost. All three state contests: in Minnesota, he had expected to do well, since he was born in neighboring Michigan where his daddy was Governor.

No soap. Ayatollah Santorum romped to a 45% win, with Ron Paul coming in second at 27% and Romney managing a sick third with 17%.

Same story in Missouri, where Santorum crushed Romney 55% to 25%.

And more of the same where Romney expected a solid base of support, in Colorado: 40% Santorum, 35% Romney.

The American Taliban and the Tea Party have found a new darling out in the West, and his name is Rick "I Want Christian Sharia Law!" Santorum.

But what of last week's darling?

What about Newt?

What about him? Gingrich wasn't on the ballot in Missouri, and managed to eke out the booby prize in Minnesota and Colorado. He took it hard, from behind - with ground glass and rusty nails in the lube, too.

In terms of committed delegates, Romney still has 84 delegates to Santorum's 14 or so, but it's time to open up the money taps for Mr. Inevitable. Arizona looms, and those people down there are crazy - Santorum speaks their language, and they'll be in the mood to lap at the ooze like heroes.

Now for the comedy:

1. Obama was also in the voting, running unopposed in Missouri - where he still got more votes than Romney.

2. Remember all those high-octane endorsements? Donald Trump, Sarah Palin, Tim Pawlenty, etc.? Didn't mean a fucking thing.

3. Santorum has now won in more states than Romney, four to three (Gingrich has one).

It's going to be a lot of fun, so brace yourselves - oh, and don't forget plenty of disinfectant wipes.