Wednesday, March 07, 2012

"Super" Tuesday

You and me both, Kitty.

You and me both.

The GOP had their "Super" Tuesday cavalcade of primaries and caucuses yesterday, and we can draw a few conclusions based on the results:

1. The Well-Coiffed 2x4 will win the GOP nomination for President.

2. Said Well-Coiffed One has shown an erosion of his support (example: The total number of GOP voters in North Dakota last night was less than the total number of votes Obama got from North Dakota in the 2008 general election).

3. Based on Point 2, Romney will likely lose to President Obama in November.

Now, there were ten states involved, so let's do a quick recap:

Georgia: Gingrich had to win this, as it's his home state. He did, in fact, win, but never came anywhere close to winning anywhere else. Hear those slurping sounds? That's Newton, licking Sheldon Adelson's taint for another $10 million check.

Massachusetts and Vermont: Romney's home state and neighbors. He won handily.

Oklahoma, Tennessee and North Dakota: These went for Santorum, based largely on the yahoo vote. As a side note, Closeted Gay Man Randall Terry managed (maybe) to win one delegate away from President Obama in the Democratic primary in Oklahoma.

Alaska and Idaho: Surprisingly, Ron Paul didn't show much strength here; both states went for Romney. Alaska has a reputation of being very individualistic and libertarian despite getting oil royalty checks from the state government every year, and Idaho is supposedly crawling with white supremacist ratfuckers (Paul has traditionally gotten support from such people). He's defiantly staying in the race, the poor senile old dope.

Virginia: Neither Gingrich nor Santorum were on the ballot here, having stupidly forgotten to file their petitions on time. Two things to take away from here - Romney only got 60%, and Paul (whose sociopathic vision of government would appeal to the racist demographic) didn't show sufficient strength.

Ohio: This was the biggie, as it had the largest nut of delegates as well as being the first state to have down-ticket races to set the slate for the general. Romney outspent Santorum 4:1 in Ohio, and managed to squeak past with a measly one percentage point (about 11,000 votes). He labored mightily, and brought forth a mouse.

In Ohio's down-ticket elections, Sam Wurzelbacher (a/k/a Joe the Plumber, Who Is Not Actually A Plumber) managed to strain out a victory in the primary. Pundits say he doesn't stand a chance against his Democratic opponent. Mean Jean Schmidt, the disgusting self-hating harridan whose presence helped foul the US House of Representatives since 2005, lost, as did Dennis Kucinich. Kucinich has threatened to pull up stakes, scuttle to another state, and run there to stay in Congress. What's the matter, Dennis? Didn't make enough money from lobbyists yet?

All in all, watching the "Super" Tuesday returns was a wee bit like watching a snuff film - you feel vaguely soiled just by watching it, but it feels good when it stops.


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