Thursday, January 11, 2007

Presidential Speech - MST3K Style

(SCENE: Darkened theater just after Movie Sign. Joel and the Bots take their seats as the Presidential Seal appears.)

President's Address to the Nation

All: Hooray!

Crow: About time, too.

The Library

Servo: There’s a library in the White House?

Crow: Sure – where did you think Clinton kept his porno collection?

THE PRESIDENT: Good evening.

All: Hi, President Bush.

Tonight in Iraq, the Armed Forces of the United States are engaged in a struggle that will determine the direction of the global war on terror -- and our safety here at home.

Joel: We are embarked upon a great crusade …

Servo: To stamp out runaway decency in the world.

The new strategy I outline tonight will change America's course in Iraq, and help us succeed in the fight against terror.

Crow: Meet the new plan, same as the old plan …

When I addressed you just over a year ago, nearly 12 million Iraqis had cast their ballots for a unified and democratic nation. The elections of 2005 were a stunning achievement.

Joel: Ballot box stuffing’s an achievement?

We thought that these elections would bring the Iraqis together, and that as we trained Iraqi security forces we could accomplish our mission with fewer American troops.
But in 2006, the opposite happened. The violence in Iraq -- particularly in Baghdad -- overwhelmed the political gains the Iraqis had made. Al Qaeda terrorists and Sunni insurgents recognized the mortal danger that Iraq's elections posed for their cause, and they responded with outrageous acts of murder aimed at innocent Iraqis. They blew up one of the holiest shrines in Shia Islam -- the Golden Mosque of Samarra –

Crow: And the Platinum mall of Nineveh.

Servo: And the Silver Drive-Through Kebab Palace of Diyala.

- in a calculated effort to provoke Iraq's Shia population to retaliate. Their strategy worked. Radical Shia elements, some supported by Iran, formed death squads. And the result was a vicious cycle of sectarian violence that continues today.

Joel: A vicious cycle? Does that run on biodiesel?

The situation in Iraq is unacceptable to the American people -- and it is unacceptable to me. Our troops in Iraq have fought bravely. They have done everything we have asked them to do. Where mistakes have been made, the responsibility rests with me.

Servo: You don’t hear that every day.

Joel: He looks like he’s about to cry like Iron Eyes Cody.

It is clear that we need to change our strategy in Iraq. And one message came through loud and clear: Failure in Iraq would be a disaster for the United States.

Crow: And a lot of fun for Miss Moist of Knightsbridge.

The consequences of failure are clear: Radical Islamic extremists would grow in strength and gain new recruits. On September the 11th, 2001, we saw what a refuge for extremists on the other side of the world could bring to the streets of our own cities.


Joel: Quick! Have a drink!

The most urgent priority for success in Iraq is security, especially in Baghdad. Eighty percent of Iraq's sectarian violence occurs within 30 miles of the capital. This violence is splitting Baghdad into sectarian enclaves, and shaking the confidence of all Iraqis. Only Iraqis can end the sectarian violence and secure their people.

Crow: Only you can prevent sectarian violence.

Servo: Yep, just the same as a forest fire – only not as much fun.

And their government has put forward an aggressive plan to do it.

Our past efforts to secure Baghdad failed for two principal reasons: There were not enough Iraqi and American troops to secure neighborhoods that had been cleared of terrorists and insurgents. And there were too many restrictions on the troops we did have.

Servo (doing Bush voice): And our leaders were incompetent – oh yeah, that’s me, isn’t it?

Our military commanders reviewed the new Iraqi plan to ensure that it addressed these mistakes. They report that it does. They also report that this plan can work.
Many listening tonight will ask why this effort will succeed when previous operations to secure Baghdad did not. Well, here are the differences: In earlier operations, Iraqi and American forces cleared many neighborhoods of terrorists and insurgents, but when our forces moved on to other targets, the killers returned. In earlier operations, political and sectarian interference prevented Iraqi and American forces from going into neighborhoods that are home to those fueling the sectarian violence. This time, Iraqi and American forces will have a green light to enter those neighborhoods -- and Prime Minister Maliki has pledged that political or sectarian interference will not be tolerated.

I've made it clear to the Prime Minister and Iraq's other leaders that America's commitment is not open-ended. If the Iraqi government does not follow through on its promises, it will lose the support of the American people -- and it will lose the support of the Iraqi people. Now is the time to act.

Joel: Stand by – for ACTION!

Servo: Hai kiba!

America will change our approach to help the Iraqi government as it works to meet these benchmarks. In keeping with the recommendations of the Iraq Study Group, we will increase the embedding of American advisers in Iraqi Army units, and partner a coalition brigade with every Iraqi Army division. We will help the Iraqis build a larger and better-equipped army –

Crow: One not equipped with saggy diapers that leak.

, and we will accelerate the training of Iraqi forces, which remains the essential U.S. security mission in Iraq. We will give our commanders and civilians greater flexibility to spend funds for economic assistance. We will double the number of provincial reconstruction teams.

Servo: Those worked out well the last time.

These teams bring together military and civilian experts to help local Iraqi communities pursue reconciliation, strengthen the moderates, and speed the transition to Iraqi self-reliance. And Secretary Rice will soon appoint a reconstruction coordinator in Baghdad to ensure better results for economic assistance being spent in Iraq.

We will use America's full diplomatic resources

Crow: We have those?

Servo: I thought we used them up.

Joel: They’re renewable, like solar power.

to rally support for Iraq from nations throughout the Middle East. Countries like Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Jordan, and the Gulf States need to understand that an American defeat in Iraq would create a new sanctuary for extremists and a strategic threat to their survival. These nations have a stake in a successful Iraq that is at peace with its neighbors, and they must step up their support for Iraq's unity government.

The challenge playing out across the broader Middle East is more than a military conflict. It is the decisive ideological struggle of our time.

Servo: Wasn’t that what they said about Coke Classic vs. New Coke?

On one side are those who believe in freedom and moderation.

Crow: And in this corner – Donald Trump!

Joel: Donald Trump?

Crow: Do you know anyone who’s less into moderation?

Servo: Paris Hilton?

Crow: Point conceded.

Victory will not look like the ones our fathers and grandfathers achieved. There will be no surrender ceremony on the deck of a battleship.

Joel: Aw. And I just got a new jump suit for the surrender ceremony!

Servo: Will Osama sign it?

Crow: We’ll finally be able to see where he’s been hiding.

Servo: Des Moines?

But victory in Iraq will bring something new in the Arab world -- a functioning democracy that polices its territory, upholds the rule of law, respects fundamental human liberties, and answers to its people.

Servo: A functioning democracy in the Arab world? Like Turkey?

Crow: Like Israel?

A democratic Iraq will not be perfect. But it will be a country that fights terrorists instead of harboring them -- and it will help bring a future of peace and security for our children and our grandchildren.

Acting on the good advice of Senator Joe Lieberman

All: (laughing)

and other key members of Congress, we will form a new, bipartisan working group that will help us come together across party lines to win the war on terror.

Joel: So we can continue to blame the liberals.

This group will meet regularly with me and my administration; it will help strengthen our relationship with Congress.

Fellow citizens: The year ahead will demand more patience, sacrifice, and resolve.

Servo: Just don’t think of drafting the twins.

It can be tempting to think that America can put aside the burdens of freedom. Yet times of testing reveal the character of a nation. And throughout our history, Americans have always defied the pessimists and seen our faith in freedom redeemed. Now America is engaged in a new struggle that will set the course for a new century. We can, and we will, prevail.

Crow: Stay alive! Whatever may occur, I will find you!

We go forward with trust that the Author of Liberty will guide us through these trying hours. Thank you and good night.

All: Good night, President Bush.

Joel: Twenty-one minutes. That wasn’t so bad.

Crow: Did you see the way he stood? I’m a robot and I’m more animated.

Servo: It was like watching the old Al Gore.

Joel: Well, enough of that – what did you think, sirs?

The Mads: IT STINKS!

(Joel, Tom Servo, Crow T Robot and the Mads are all copyright to Best Brains. The author hopes they won't object too strenuously.)


Blogger pissed off patricia said...

They probably will ask you to write for them. They should, this was very good. As I read it, I could hear each of their voices

6:43 AM EST  
Blogger SB Gypsy said...

And there were too many restrictions on the troops we did have.

...So, Me and Cheney and Rummy decided to have 'em do some real torturing! Lift the restrictions, that's what I say. The Constitution, The Geneva Conventions, the NPT, they're all just pieces of paper. Couldn't be less important, cause when it comes to WAR, I'm the decider, and I decided we need that oil for US. Heh heh heh.

12:27 PM EST  
Blogger Lew Scannon said...

Hey! i did something similar over at unbrainwashed. (Minus of course the copyright infringement, although the thought did enter my mind after I had posted it) Glad to see I wasn't the only one who thought the speech was more worthy of ridicule than reverence.

4:27 PM EST  

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