Saturday, September 29, 2007

Thank Jesus, Allah, and Cthulhu!

Newt Gingrich - The Fallen Angel of the GOP al Qaeda, The Architect of the Worst Congressional Dynasty in US History, Author of the "Contract on America," has decided NOT to run for President of the United States in 2008.

There are probably a few reasons for this.

1. He can't raise any money. With the evangelicals pouting and festering in their own rancid juices and with the rest of the Party mired in scandals and torn like fresh bread between the likes of the other ten or so candidates (from Mittens Romney to the Dessicated Corpse of Fred Thompson), there just isn't enough lucre to throw Newtie's way.

2. The Smoke-Filled Room Hypothesis. It's entirely possible that Newt was told by whatever bigwigs there are left in the GOP that he still truckles to to lay off this time around, and possibly wait for a VP nod at the convention. It had to be something sweet, or he would have given them the finger.

3. He's sick.

4. He decided that the time is not right, and it's best to wait until after 2008 and for the dust and smoke to settle down after the GOP has been beaten up sufficiently. This way, he can look like the Party's savior, right down to the white, halo-like hair helmet.

5. He has more integrity.

Sorry, I couldn't keep a straight face while I typed #5. Remember, this is a man who divorced his wife as she lay dying of cancer so he could marry some young chippie. So much for a "family values" image, plus the ethics scandal that toppled him from the Speaker's Chair like some decrepit Weeble and chased him out of Congress.

I'm thanking the three entities above, because now I don't have to raise the number of Downright Morons to nineteen.


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