Sunday, May 25, 2008

The New TV Hit "Republican Idol"

"And lo, the Great Old One will summon a favored one to His lair, and the favored one shall gibber and speak eldritch conjurations, beseeching the Great Old One for some sign of His favor ..."

- Bylaws of the Republican Party of the United States,
Section 922 Paragraph MMCVI, Vice-Presidents

Well ... maybe not.

Three men went up to Senator John "Bomb Iran Before I Get Too Old" McCain's rancho de tequila up near Sedona, Arizona to be interviewed for the possible plum assignment of being McCain's running mate and Vice-President, should he get elected and not drop dead of old age prior to the Inauguration. Let's call the roll, shall we? Oh, and please bear in mind once more that I am a Republican.

1. Charlie Crist, Governor of Florida. Hmm, Florida's first homosexual Governor (don't let the trophy chick fool you - poor girl's got "Beard" written on her forehead) might get McCain Florida, as well as the Log Cabin GOP vote. But the Base might like him despite his proclivities forthe reason that he managed to cut property taxes in his state, thereby relegating every city and town in Floriduh to piss-poor levels of services that will keep the population pig-ignorant and happy for years to come.

2. Bobby Jindal, Governor of Louisiana. Got a lot of things going for him - young, charismatic, socially and fiscally conservative, and a Republican in a Democratic state. But the state's well-deserved reputation for blatant, in-your-face corruption might be a handicap, along with the identification of the Republican Bushite regime with the ongoing horror that is New Orleans after Katrina. And let's not go into the conniption fit The Base will have at the sight of a brown-skinned man on the ticket (Jindal is Indian-American).

3. Willard "Mitt" Romney, Former Governor of Massachusetts. Hoo boy, the Mittbot. One wonders if they've upgraded his OS to Vista yet, because he'll have to do some mighty fast flip-flopping to squat behind McCain. But I trust Mittens to listen to his Magic Mormon Underoos and his bank book before leaping into the swimsuit competition.

Swimsuit competition?

Of course. McCain, bless his flabby little GOP degenerate heart, will want to see how all three "measure up" to his lovely young wife. I think Crist is a shoo-in for the evening gown contest.

One guy who's probably feeling like a bridesmaid is Mullah Huckabee. Too fucking bad, Huck. As I've said before, Huckabee is my Exhibit A when I hold forth that no ordained minister should EVER be allowed to run for any higher political office than that of Hen Teaser.

Stay tuned to see who gets voted off.


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