GOP Base Planning Session Transcript

(Theme music)

Narrator: Welcome to another episode of REPUBLICAN PLAYHOUSE, the only open theater for Real Americans. When we last saw our two red-blooded American heros, Clem and Ewalt, they were taking a break from the hard work of defending our fair country from their secret base in Ewalt's mother's basement . . .


SCENE: Suburban house, front porch, exterior – DAY

Clem: Know sumpin’, Ewalt?

Ewalt: What, Clem?

Clem: We’re in-TAYNSS-lee ignorant, ain’t we?

Ewalt: (laughs) Yeah, we sure are!

(Both laugh)

Ewalt: Clem?

Clem: Yeah, Ewalt?

Ewalt: What’s “ignorant” mean?

Clem: Dunno – but we’re IT!

(Both laugh)

Ewalt: (sighs) I’m bored.

Clem: You’re SMART ENOUGH to be bored, Ewalt?

Ewalt: Reckon so. Know what we oughta do? We oughta think up sumpin’ to piss off dem hippies, y’know?

Clem: Man, I hate them dirty hippies. They don’t talk like us.

Ewalt: Uh-huh.

Clem: And they ain’t got the everlastin’ love o’ Jeezus in they hearts like we do.

Ewalt: Uh-huh.

Clem: So what d’you think we should do?

Ewalt: Endorse that there OH-Bama fer Prez’dent.

Clem: OH-Bama?! Why, he ain’t no true Amurkan – he’s – he’s –

Ewalt: I know, Clem, but here’s the great part of it.

Clem: I’m listenin.’ Gimme a beer.

(Sound of beer opening)

Ewalt: See, OH-Bama might endanger that true Amurkan, Roo-dee Joo-lee-anni, so if’n we endorse him, none o’ the dirty hippies’ll vote fer him. See?

Clem: Ewalt?

Ewalt: Yeah, Clem?

Clem: We’re gonna need more beer. I’m startin’ to sober up, an’ you’re scaring me.

(Musical sting, with soap opera organ music over Narrator’s voiceover)

Narrator: Will Ewalt borrow his mom's car and get more beer before Clem sobers up? Are these two rubes as ignorant as they seem? Will their scheme to discredit Obama succeed, or will someone look up Giuliani’s skirts and spoil everything? Stay tuned to the next action-packed episode of . . . REPUBLICAN PLAYHOUSE!

(Country-style theme music to croon about the Flag and Baby Jeezus by.)