March Madness

And no, I'm not referring to the NCAA Basketball Championships.

Today is Super Tuesday, the opening salvo in a month-long barrage of primaries and caucuses (caucusi?) that will help determine who gets the Great Green Weenie of Nomination for the Democratic and Republican Parties.

And, of course, who will have to bow to reality, bend over, and display the Goatse of Concession.

There are fourteen contests today, stretching across the continent from Massachusetts to Alaska, with another five on March 5th, two on March 6th, four on March 8th, three on March 12th, six on March 15 (including Florida), one on March 19 (the all-important Virgin Islands), four on March 22nd and three to wrap up the month on March 26th. And that's just the month of March, dear readers.

There's a reason for this hideous shitstorm - the two parties' national committees decided to do this in order to make it a bit easier for a clear front-runner to gain an advantage going into the convention. The Democrats set this up after the long and brutal primary contest between Clinton and Obama in 2008, and the GOP set theirs up following the debacle of 2012, when Mittens suffered all the way to Havana (or, in this case, Tampa).

So let's look at the choices we have, shall we? I'll start with the Democrats.

Hilary Clinton's got the most delegates going into the month, and I'm not counting the superdelegates in this. However, many of the contests for the Dems are not winner-take-all; they're proportional, so even if she wins, she won't get all of the state's delegates. However, she's hit the airwaves in eleven of the Super Tuesday states and, as South Carolina's polling indicated, she has a bit of an impact.

Bernie Sanders is only airing ads in five states, but he thinks he's in with a chance there, and might be able to leech delegates away from Clinton in the other races. Sanders has a lot of money from small contributors, so expect him to stay in it for at least this month.

The Republican national chairman, Pubic Rinse - er, Reince Priebus - is faced with a no-win scenario: None of the candidates are much good, all of them espouse radical ideas that most Americans wouldn't support, and the current front-runner is a demagogue who disturbs a lot of the GOP.

Ben Carson doubled down on his grift with an op-ed where he again stated that as long as people keep sending him money he'll stay in. Right now, with him polling behind ear mites, it doesn't matter if he stays in or not - he's just putting himself in a good position for a Fox News contributor's spot (the eventual Happy Hunting Ground of all failed GOP candidates).

Rafael Cruz continues to blather on about God and Jesus have anointed him the President already, even though the evangelicals in South Carolina voted for Trump.

John Kasich has said that he "might consider" bailing out of the race if he fails to carry his home state of Ohio on March 15th. This marks the first time he's said something rational. Trying to position himself as a 'moderate' and 'reasonable' candidate sort of limps when you defund Planned Parenthood in your state, you douche.

Speaking of douches, Marco Rubio has elevated the GOP contest to Middle School Boy's Locker Room (from shit-flinging howler monkeys - hey, it's a step up) by implying that Trump's small hands mean that he has a small penis. It's either a mark of desperation, or an insight into Rubio's actual level of maturity. News flash, Marco - you aren't expected to win shit today, and are polling behind Trump in your home state (Florida; pray for her redemption).

Which leaves me with Donald Trump. Yeah. Unholy Cthulhu, take me now. Where do I start? Trump's a carnival barker, and Cruz might have a point when he hints that Trump might have ties to The Mob. He blusters, swears, advocates violence at his rallies, talks blithely about having the military commit war crimes ("taking out ISIS' families"), thinks torture's a good idea, and when you can finally pin him down on a specific policy proposal, it's 100% pure shit and he changes it within fifteen minutes anyway. Having him in charge of the armed might of the United States should terrify everyone, because he's already hinted that the Congress won't dare tell him what to do. He has proposed doing away with the shield law that protects journalistic sources and taking other steps that would effectively muzzle the press.

I vote in the Florida primary as a registered Republican, so I have to choose one of these assholes - a wimp, a hypocrite, a messianic asshole, and the reincarnation of Buzz Windrip. Decisions, decisions . . .

Now do you see why I call this "March Madness?"