Jeb! Bush: The Towel Boy at the Orgy

The Deal Goes Down . . . High Stakes in the Silver State . . . South Carolina: The Lost Cause Revixit . . . And Then There Were . . .

Sure Iowa and New Hampshire were fun, dear readers, but one must recall that demographically they were not a good cross-section of the American population. 

Nevada and South Carolina, on the other hand, are more representative, so they're an important proving ground before we stumble into the March Madness. 

No, I'm not talking about the NCAA Basketball Champeenships.  There are a huge ("YOOGE!") number of primaries and caucuses next month, with a massive, swollen nut of delegates just waiting to spew out to the gratification of the candidate who rubs them the right way.

To quote Deadpool, "Time to make the chimi-fucking-changas."

We start out in Nevada, where the Democrats had a caucus to determine who got the most delegates.  The idea here is that whoever wins gets the lion's share, but the loser also gets a few.  Being the state that features Reno, Las Vegas and legal prostitution, a lot of weirdness happened.  That included the appearance of a group calling themselves Hookers for Hillary, which is kind of amusing when you think about it.

When the dust settled, Clinton had received a majority of the vote, and thus a majority of the delegates.  Sanders was gracious in defeat, although some of supporters were so gauche as to shout "English Only!" when someone tried to give a Spanish translation of Clinton's speech.  Stay classy, kids.

The Democrats now take their show to South Carolina, where the Republicans had their primary yesterday.  The GOP will caucus in Nevada next week.

Hoo boy, South Carolina.  The state that started the Civil War has a number of really Interesting People living in it; polls indicated that a number of GOP voters wanted the Treason Flag back up, while others thought that being a bunch of losing losers who lost 151 years ago merited a mulligan.

A lot of overheated rhetoric was thrown about, Pope Francis was yelled at, and various ethnic minorities were denigrated in an effort to advance one agenda or another.

Six little candidates, all quite alive,
South Carolina, and then there were five.

With about one percent (one percent!) of the precincts reporting after the polls closed, the major press outlets called the race for Trump, which was a surprise.  The Conventional Wisdom said that Trump would have trouble in the Palmetto State, because the religious population would be harder to appeal to.

However, Reality told the Conventional Wisdom to go pound sand, as even the religious population (what one GOP staffer helpfully called 'whackos' back in 2008) loved The Donald's anti-immigration stance and his blunt, vulgar style.  Not even Rafael Cruz could match up to him, and Rafael was campaigning as the one candidate who had been anointed by God and chosen personally by Jesus Christ to be President.

But the nut got cut, and it was Trump getting the gold medal, with Marco Rubio coming in at the silver (one hopes they've fixed that glitch he had).  Cruz managed the bronze medal, with only about 0.2% separating him from Rubio; so close, in fact, that you couldn't get a melon between them.

That leaves the guys who missed a podium finish.

John Kasich tried to position himself as the Sane Alternative, but the voters didn't want sane this cycle, they wanted bullshit, lies, and cheap demagoguery, and got it in spades.  Kasich came in at fifth place, with Dr. Ben Carson (who's admitted that it's all about the grift; as long as people send him money, he'll keep running) at sixth.

Which brings me to the most pathetic Loser McLoserton of the 2016 Presidential Campaign, John Ellis Bush.

The GOP Establishment had such high hopes for Bush, but he started to bumble even before the Iowa contest.  By the time he staggered into South Carolina, blood dripping from the thousand cuts inflicted on him by Donald Trump, not even a tweet showing a personalized firearm could help him - in fact, his press office had to tell people that no, Bush was NOT planning on shooting himself if he lost.

Bush came in a sick fourth behind the three tossers who made it to the winner's podium, and finally did what a lot of people thought he'd do before the primary (and I thought he'd do after losing Florida), 'suspending' his campaign.  The signs of rot were there before the voting started, with senior staff sending out resumes and major donors no longer taking his calls. 

He finally learned when to pull the plug, and somewhere Michael Schiavo must have said, "About time, asshole."

So now the GOP go to Nevada, and the Dems to South Carolina. 

The Long March continues.

New Hampshire: Withering Heights

Okay, the first actual primary (as opposed to the Iowa caucus, which was composed mainly of people sitting in auditoria and arguing) in the 2016 Presidential election is in the can, and let’s take a look at what the hell happened, shall we?  

Don’t look at me like that.  It’s Ash Wednesday, penance is required.  So there.

We’ll go all alphabetical up in this bitch, so we’ll start with the Democrats.

Hilary Clinton had her ass handed to her by Bernie Sanders last night, which wasn’t a really big surprise.  If anything, her showing in the Granite State has exposed weak points in her campaign structure and strategy, and it appears early enough to make adjustments.

Bernie Sanders – well, what can I say?  A self-identified ‘Democratic Socialist’ won the primary and it marks a milestone, which I’ll get to soon.  Based on polling, two out of every three of New Hampshire’s notoriously independent voters plumped for Sanders, with the rest going to Trump.  Sanders was also a next-door neighbor to the voters, and they could identify with him.

Looking ahead, it must be recalled that neither Iowa nor New Hampshire represent a true cross-section of the American electorate, and the campaigns are now headed west to Nevada and south to South Carolina (the next contests before Super Tuesday).  Clinton may have a broader appeal among Hispanics and African-Americans, and that may counter Sanders’ grip on younger white voters. 

By the way, Sanders is the first Jew to win a Presidential primary election.  If you think you heard a lot of racist shit from 2008 to now regarding Obama, you haven’t heard anything yet.  And if you haven’t heard it, you need to unblock your ears.

Now we check on the Republican field, and once again we shall get all alphabetic up in here.

John Ellis Bush came in . . . fourth, which isn’t even worthy of a bronze medal.  One pundit suggested that Bush was taking the karmic hits meant for his brother.  I disagree; I think that Bush felt that he was the Great Hope of the GOP and that voters would flock to the idea of a third Bush Presidency.  The rise of Trump and Cruz has confused him, that much is obvious.  He’s staggering now, limping painfully on two broken kneecaps to South Carolina.  He’ll feel a bit more comfortable there, and his brother is taping ads for him.  We’ll see how that works for him.

Ben Carson admitted yesterday that his campaign’s all about the Benjamins, saying that as long as people keep sending him money he’ll keep running.  Grifters gotta grift, am I right?

Chris Christie went back to New Jersey, saying that he needed to “take a deep breath” and determine what to do about his race.  Here’s a tip, Governor – things are going to get worse the longer you stay in the race, so it might be better for all concerned if you just sit on the beach near Barnegat Lighthouse and watch the waves for a while.  He hasn’t dropped out of the race yet, but the clock’s counting down fast.

Rafael Cruz came in third in New Hampshire, and is moving forward to the upcoming races.  He’s got a lot of money, and his rantings draw large crowds of people.  There are still allegations that his campaign tried to skew the Iowa vote by bruiting it about that Carson had dropped out of the race.  He and Carson are supposed to meet up in New Jersey to bury the hatchet.  Better watch it, Rafael – Ben’s good with a scalpel, and ask any number of gangsters about what happens in Jersey.  Expect his ravings to become even more mean-spirited and messianic the further south he gets.

Carly Fiorina has dropped out of the race after garnering zero delegates in two races, and having the general cachet as a lump of cold vomit.  She can’t understand how running a campaign on her destruction of Hewlett-Packard could fail to attract more votes – job destruction is a conservative meme, after all.

Jim Gilmore continues to run.  No one knows why.

John Kasich, Governor of Ohio.  He came in second in New Hampshire, where Trump beat him by a two to one margin.  That qualifies as “being beaten like a rented mule,” by the way.  Kasich has said many unhinged and stupid things so far in the campaign, notably his idea to form a Cabinet-level Department of Judeo-Christian Values to spread said values among the godless heathens of the world (read: Islam), but he comes across as low-key and generally more polite than Cruz and Trump.  So, by contrast, he was ‘better.’

Marco Rubio, Boy Wonder, Apple of David Brooks’ Eye, Savior of the GOP Establishment.  Came in fifth, and really didn’t do himself any favors by repeating the same talking point four times in the last debate before the primary vote.  Apart from giving comedians, Christie, and protesters much material to make merry with, Rubio came across as a flailing neophyte.  Allies of his have stated that he tends to panic under stress – just the kind of guy you want with his finger on The Button, right?  Right?  Bueller?

And that leaves me with Donald Trump.  Trump knocked it out of the park last night, and is now in the race to stay.  A loss in NH would have had him seriously considering his options, but now he senses weakness and he’ll have the big knives out when he gets to South Carolina.  His racist xenophobia will find a ready and receptive audience in the South, trust me on this one.  The day after his win, he opened his gaping piehole to spew a few ‘policy’ ideas, notably somehow inducing China to make Kim Jong Un “disappear” (no idea what he means by that, but usual usage implies murder).

So there you have it, dear readers.  The orgy of Downers and Treachery known as the 2016 Campaign continues, and it won’t stop until November.  Better buckle up, strap down, and keep that lube handy – we’re all going to need it.