Sunday, March 27, 2011

GOP Candidate Cattle Call - Moooo!

Yeehaw! Git along thar, little dawgies!

It's time to take a peek at the current herd of people who either want to run for the GOP Presidential nomination, or are thinking about it, or are getting a lot of face time on FOX while Sean Hannity masturbates all over himself.

Let's begin, and kindly remember that these are my own observations. As a Republican, I may be asked to choose one of these people. I'll do it in alphabetical order.

Michelle Bachmann: Sweet Unholy Cthulhu, this person makes Sarah Palin sound like a lineal descendant of Goethe. I once stated that Palin lowered the collective IQ every time she opened her mouth; Bachmann tosses it into the toilet and jumps up and down on it. She appeals to the Tea Party, which goes to show how much anti-intellectualism has grown in this country.

Haley Barbour: The Governor of the poorest state in the Union, and he obviously likes it that way. Notable for heading up a lobbying group that supported nasty people like Qaddaffy Duck back when supporting him was fashionable. Also notable for trying to paper over Mississippi's hideous record on civil rights from back in the day.

John Bolton: The Mustache from Hell is trying to pass himself off as the reincarnation of Bismarck. The Iron Chancellor would rip you to shreds, Johnny-mop. Your idea of foreign policy is to bomb Iran. Trouble in Yemen? Bomb Iran. Drug smugglers in Mexico? Bomb Iran. You're a one-note song, just like Tom Tancredo, and you'll last about as long.

Herman Cain: Who? Oh yeah. So far he's the only African-American in the field, and I don't expect him to last long. Since the glowing heart of the GOP is basically in the Old South and the Midwest, I don't anticipate him getting any traction.

Mitch Daniels: Midwestern Governor, and one of the guys whose attempts at breaking unions is driving his rating numbers into the sewer. He might end up having a tenure in state office about as long as The Half-Term Governor's was.

Newton Gingrich: Newt is an example of what passes for "family values" in the modern GOP. A serial adulterer who piously tries to explain his randy nature away by saying that a) he's now a Catholic and therefore forgiven, and/or b) his adultery was spurred on by the fact he loves America so much. If he loves America so much, America had better watch out - he plans on screwing her, then dumping her for a younger, prettier country if things go bad.

Mike Huckabee: The Priest-Governor of Arkansas is playing stupid-coy right now, but his early poll numbers look halfway decent so he might take another stab at the White House. However, the fact that he's still ordained makes him instantly suspect.

John Huntsman: Former Ambassador, Mormon and apart from that, I know nothing about him other than he's probably not going to win anything.

Fred Karger: Gay rights advocate and Reagan adviser. The first thing will almost certainly guarantee that he won't win anything (other than the Leather Daddy vote).

Sarah Palin: Since we're talking about The Shrilla from Wasilla, she recently did a tour of India and Israel in an attempt to give herself some foreign policy chops. It didn't go very well; she pissed off the Chinese a tad, one of her speaking engagements in India was a bit of a flop, and she was barred from entering Bethlehem because her staff didn't do all the required paperwork. Some are saying that she won't run, and I'm inclined to agree - she's making more money hawking trashy books and running her yap than she'd make as President.

Rand Paul: Self-certified eye doctor. Hates abortion, civil rights and the 14th Amendment. Tea Party darling. Might win a few things if he can learn to keep his mouth shut.

Ron Paul: Has about the same amount as smarts and self-restraint as his idiot son. Makes noises like a Randite Libertarian, which not only makes him suspect, but anathema. Rand says that he won't run against his father, so how about a father/son team? Paul and Paul in 2012 - that's a prospect to make the Potomac burn like the Biblical Lake of Fire, isn't it?

Tim Pawlenty: Former Governor of Minnesota, I think, and the kind of fellow who makes even the people who listen to Prairie Home Companion nod off. You recall how Erwin Rommel was called 'The Desert Fox?' Your epithet is 'The Insurance Salesman,' Timmy. You make Adlai Stevenson and Estes Kefauver look like real stem-winders.

Willard "Mitt" Romney: Mittens has a problem, and it's not the fact he's Mormon (which makes him suspect in the eyes of many members of the "Christian Right"). His biggest problem is that the mandate section of the Affordable Care Law is identical to a similar bit of Massachusetts' health care law, which Romney not only signed, but still supports. Mittens, you are going to have trouble with the Tea Party people - you know, the ones in Medicare-subsidized motorized wheelchairs who insist that the government stay away from their health care.

Rick Santorum: Former Senator from Pennsylvania and famously took a miscarried fetus home with him to let his kids meet their quondam brother. The Urban Dictionary website has an entry on him - his last name stands for something naughty. He's a moron, and it shows.

Donald Trump: Oy flipping vey, what a deal he's selling here. Fabulously rich, but is it enough to buy the Presidency? He's certainly got all the narcissism and delusions of grandeur necessary to be a modern politician, plus the Slave Media love him to tiny bits. Speaking of tiny bits, he's also a serial adulterer like Gingrich, a full-class Birther and able to spread a smooth layer of bullshit. I can see a theme of his campaign speeches: "Vote for a Rich Man - The Poor Man's Friend." The Tea Party will lick the soles of his designer shoes.

So there you have it. Depressing, isn't it? Not an Eisenhower, Goldwater, or even a Nixon among them.

Bums, scrubs and culls, the lot of them.

Is this the best my Party can do?

Dear Anonymous,

I want to thank you for commenting on my blog. I don't get many commenters on this page, as I'm a touch off the beaten track, as it were. That being said, I'd also like to thank you for the endearing terms "Dumbass Lefty Twit" and "Idiot" you left on your comments. Very nice to see that intellectual discourse and rational arguments are not entirely extinct.

Had you spent any time at all reading my blog, you might have determined that I am a Republican, as well as a true conservative in many ways. But I'll let your obvious ignorance pass, for the moment.

The reason I am bothering to bestir myself and respond to you is to say that if the Anti-Sharia Bill is signed into law, it can also be used to deny observant Jews the right to have kosher foods, or the right of Catholic priests to molest small boys, or Seminoles to practice in tribal courts.

It may overtax your mental capacity, but try to foresee the consequences of a law before you decide to support it. Just because it was written or co-sponsored by two knuckle-dragging, Bible-fellating assholes doesn't mean that you have to slavishly lap up every word that falls from their corporate semen-dripping mouths, does it?

And don't bother responding to this; I have nothing more to say to you.


Saturday, March 26, 2011

NSFW Public Service Message


Wednesday, March 23, 2011


I regret that noted journalist and cynic H. L. Mencken may have been quite right when he wrote, "In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican."

However, I am a Republican, so it is with some regret that I share with you the following, compiled by joelgp over at DailyKos:


The empirical evidence below shows just how deeply republican states have damaged this great country. Check it out and let me know what you think:

Conservatism is bad for middle-class income

10 poorest states with the lowest median household income

State Income
Montana $40,627
Tennessee $40,315
Kentucky $39,372
Louisiana $39,337
Alabama $38,783
Oklahoma $38,770
Arkansas $36,599
West Virginia $35,059
Mississippi $34,473

Source: U.S. Census Bureau


Conservatism is bad for your health:

States with worst health-care systems:

39 Texas
40 Arkansas
41 Kentucky
42 West Virginia
43 Georgia
44 Tennessee
45 Nevada
46 South Carolina
47 Louisiana
48 Alabama
49 Oklahoma
50 Mississippi

Source: Forbes

Republicans don't care about improving the lives of average Americans.


Conservatism is bad for your marriages.

States with the highest divorce rates:

1. Nevada
2. Arkansas
3. Wyoming
4. Idaho
5. West Virgina
6. Kentucky
7. Oklahoma
8. Alaska
9. Florida
10. Maine

Source: HuffPo


Conservatism is bad for teenage pregnancy rates:

States ranked by rates of live births among women age 15-19 (births per thousand):

1. Mississippi (71)
2. Texas (69)
3. Arizona (67)
4. Arkansas (66)
5. New Mexico (66)
6. Georgia (63)
7. Louisiana (62)
8. Nevada (61)
9. Alabama (61)
10. Oklahoma (60

Source: Women's Issues


Conservatism is bad for education

States with the fewest college graduates:

1. Arkansas
2. West Virginia
3. Nevada
4. New Mexico
5. Oklahoma
6. Alaska
7. Arizona
8. Texas
9. Tennessee
10. Mississippi

Source: HuffPo

Conservatism is bad for news information:
TV outlet with the most ignorant viewers.

"Study: Fox News Viewers “Most Misinformed” Of All News Consumers

"Researchers at the University of Maryland have released a study of news viewers entitled, “Misinformation and the 2010 Election” (.pdf) and found news viewers often get the wrong idea on major stories, and–according to the study–Fox News viewers are the “most misinformed” of them all."

Source: Mediaite (although I can draw this conclusion solely from observing those around me).


So there you have it; Hypotheses, evidence with sources.

The conclusion?

Mencken was unfortunately/sadly/horrifically ... right.

Elizabeth Taylor, DBE: 1932-2011

Elizabeth Taylor, Dame of the British Empire, American actress and one of the last of the great movie divas of her age, died of congestive heart failure.

Why do I see her entering the afterlife like this?

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Spring Has Sprung!

Saturday, March 19, 2011

BREAKING: US Cruise Missiles, French Warplanes Strike in Libya

(Picture courtesy of the crazies at Wonkette.)

A day after UN Security Council Resolution 1973 was announced, NATO upped the ante on the side of the opposition to Colonel Muammar al-Qaddaffyduck's regime.

French Rafale warplanes struck at targets on the approaches to Benghazi, supported by cruise missiles launched from US submarines (the US have dignified it with the name Operation Odyssey Dawn).

Danish F-16 attack aircraft are being moved to a US airbase in Italy for operations across the Mediterranean, and the French are moving the aircraft carrier Charles de Gaulle into the area.

Hearing about that made me wonder if the French have managed to correct the de Gaulle's manifold engineering problems.

Anyway, we have begun intervention in Libya. So far, it's only cruise missiles. I expect Predator drones soon.

Hoo Boy.

Like many Americans of a certain age, I attended public elementary, secondary and high schools. During that time, I encountered many teachers. Some of those teachers were inspiring, others baffling, and a very few little short of downright infuriating.

But none of them induced me to build a hoax bomb and bring it to school.

A 11 year old kid in Milton, Wisconsin strapped a fake bomb to himself (complete with a video-game controller to stand in for a detonator) and boarded a bus for school. The alert driver overheard a bit of conversation and cleared the vehicle, then called the cops.

The SWAT team and the bomb squad went into action, and after blowing up the device took the little miscreant into custody. He's currently in a juvenile detention center with felony charges on his teener ass.

Just a sign of the times, I guess.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Un Belle Dame

Meet Bernyce.

She was born Bernice Wallingford in the Republic of New Haven in 1884. The Wallingfords were one of the founding families of that small nation, and as the child of wealth and privilege Bernice was expected to go far.

How far was something her parents never expected.

Bernice was tutored until she was a teenager, then attended a private finishing school. She then attended the Collegiate School of New Haven (Note: in our reality, Yale University; New Haven is actually a slice of Connecticut that didn't join the USA, declaring its independence from Britain in 1781), graduating with a baccalaureate degree in Art in 1904. She then went on the Grand Tour.

Her father paid all of the bills, and allowed her to set her own itinerary. Her roamings (later described in her book A Singular Life) took her through Europe, Africa and Asia before returning to New Haven in 1910 via the United States and Canada. On the way, rumors arose that she was a bit 'wild.' How wild can be judged by the fact she bedded a cousin of the King of Italy and the Crown Prince of Japan, among others.

She married Reginald Pratt, another scion of a founding family, in 1910, and the two were celebrating the birth of their second son Thomas (their first, Reginald II, was born in 1912) when the Great War broke out. Reginald signed up for the New Haven Flying Corps and was killed in action over Amiens in 1918, leaving Bernice a widow and very wealthy.

Deciding that she needed something to do, she changed her name to Bernyce to make it appear more exotic, and set aside part of her house as The Academy.

Most people would consider The Academy a brothel, but the women there were expected to be beautiful, well-educated and absolutely clear of social diseases. The place was furnished in impeccable taste, and the prices commanded reflected the high tone of the establishment. However, some customers could be admitted gratis; Bernyce insisted that she "made Allowances" for those she considered true artists.

In 1929, the Governor of New Haven was assassinated by a terrorist bomb; the act was claimed by the Red Fist, a Communist faction then agitating in the country. Bernyce, sensing that things were about to change for the worse, began to quietly move her extensive library and art collection to her chalet in Switzerland. She was out of the country when the Red Fist Revolt occurred in 1931 and toppled the democratic parliamentary regime.

Her sons were educated at Eton and Oxford, so she settled briefly in Switzerland before moving permanently to Liechtenstein. During her Grand Tour, she had served briefly as governess to the children of the brother of the ruling prince, and the dynasty was pleased to offer her a home. She settled down in Triesen, a town south of the principality's capital Vaduz.

Nineteen thirty-six saw her ennobled as Freifrau (Baroness) von Triesen; the patent caused her much amusement. She continued to be considered wild, even into her sixties, by taking a variety of lovers of both sexes. Freud termed her a seeker after sensations, an opinion she agreed with even though she privately loathed him for prying into others' psyches.

Hardly touched by the Second World War (her sons and their families moved to Switzerland, while she visited frequently; her opinions of the German Nazi regime were largely unprintable), she visited America and commented sadly, "I see that the marketplace has seized a nation, much like the measles seizes a susceptible person" and returned to her estate. She stayed there the rest of her life until her death in 1980.


Bernyce is copyright to me, and will be seen in the story "The Otterholt House Massacre" on the Spontoon Island furry anthology website. Drop on by sometime!

Artwork by the talented Stuart McCarthy.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Tsunami, Before and After

Check out this link, courtesy of the New York Times. It has before-and-after satellite photos of selected areas struck by the earthquake and tsunami that bashed the northeastern part of the Japanese island of Honshu back on the 14th.

One hates to use the adjective "Biblical" when describing this disaster, which is still unfolding as the Fukushima nuclear plant is still posing major problems. Aftershocks continue, and it's taking a major bite out of the global economy.

If you don't think things can get worse, hang on to your hats, kids.

Monday, March 14, 2011

2011 Florida Legislative Session

Drama Llama Edition.

According to a news article, a bill put together by two Republican legislators (who knew?) wants to put the skids on such foreign (or should I follow their lead and say "furrin?") shenanigans as the courts citing the Muslim sharia law code or any other legal code set by another country.

Now, neither of them can cite any case in Florida or elsewhere that decided in favor of a Muslim legal precedent, but that's beside the point! We must protect our own dwindling rights! Why, them there sneaky sharia codes reduce women to second-class status!

Unlike our own country, where there's a hell-bent push to drive women back to the status of baby-making chattel.

These two rubes are true idiots. Our own legal code is based off British common law, as well as legal precedents from France and other countries - hell, there might even be a religious law code embedded in there somewhere (ever heard of the Ten Commandments?), so they're basically biting themselves in the back.

I don't expect this to go anywhere fast - other states have tried this idiocy only to have the courts strike it down.

But you have to give Senator Alan Hays and Rep. Larry Metz credit for being true Drama Llamas.


Yes, to hear the screeching of the Chattering Classes on the so-called "news" networks in this swiftly-fading Republic, there are actual Demons abroad in the land that must be stamped out before they destroy America.

The Demons are crafty, though - they use aliases:


Law enforcement officers.



And these Demons band together into what are in some areas known as "public service unions" - trying to gull us into believing that they serve the public, when the Chattering Classes, the Teabaggers and the Republican Party all know that they are only wood ticks on the buttocks of the Body Politic, sucking the very lifeblood from the economy.

And like actual wood ticks, it's hard to get them loose.

You have to be crafty, like Wisconsin's Governor Walker. Yep, he was a crafty fellow - hiding the evidence that he was the Koch Brothers' bottom bitch while portraying the trashing of collective bargaining rights as essential to balancing the state's budget. And those protesters? Mere fleas to be ignored while the "news" networks lied incessantly about how violent and destructive they were - even after the truth was revealed.

Now, these Demons will tell you that they perform essential services. You know, useless shit like teaching your kids, making sure Bad People don't break into your home, slaughter you and steal your stuff, making sure that you don't burn to a crackly crunch the next time you leave a pot on the stove, and so on.

You know. Useless shit -

Hmm? What's that?

You say it's not useless shit?

Then why support the ruthless scumbags who are trying to turn the country back to the 1850s?

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Separated at Birth?

Bismillah, al Rahman, al Raheem

"In the name of God, the Compassionate, the Merciful . . . "

Representative Peter King (R-Racist Buttfucker) of New York has a problem.

The problem is cognitive dissonance, a very high-falutin' pair of words meaning basically that he can hold two or more completely contradictory concepts in his tiny, tiny brain without having his head implode.

The two concepts are:

1. His ability to overlook his support for a terrorist organization populated by religious extremists, and

2. His current hard-on to go on a McCarthyesque Congressional rampage looking for disloyal elements within the United States.

You see, King has a hard-on for Muslims. He thinks that they're all fifth columnists or at the very least fellow travelers for The Great Muslim Terrorist Conspiracy, which differs not a whit from the earlier Great Communist Conspiracy.

But King has a few skeletons in his own closet, notably his support for the Irish Republican Army, the aforementioned terrorist organization populated by religious extremists (in this case, very militant Roman Catholics). So he's setting up a session of the committee he chairs - the rather Communist-sounding Committee on Homeland Security - to investigate the alleged spread of Islamic extremism.

To make sure that no one speaks out against this stupid waste of taxpayer money, King has made sure that the only Muslim member of the Congress, Keith Ellison, won't have a chance to question or rebut the parade of assholes he has on the witness list.

I would very much like to have a witness on his committee ask him about his IRA involvement. It ought to be amusing, for a few minutes.

However, King must have his way, since the Democrats in the House are a minority. King's crusade smacks of too much alarmism, too much zeal.

Too much of a Drama Llama.

To which I say:

No Drama Llamas!

The GOP attained a majority in the House by running on Job Creation - well, where are fucking jobs, King?

Where are the fucking jobs, Boehner?

Where are the fucking jobs, Cantor?

Ooops, better dial it back, or I'll be a Drama Llama.

The Word for Wisconsin Republican is Wanker

In the biggest travesty of government and the shabbiest political trick since the 2003 AUMF, the Republicans in the Wisconsin state Senate managed to ramrod through a ban on collective bargaining rights for the state's public service unions.

Here is how they done it:

Working so fast that the bill had little time to be properly reported, a committee severed the union-fucking from the rest of the budget bill, which gave the lie to Governor Wanker's - er, Walker's - assertions that castrating the unions was essential to balancing the state budget. Standing alone, the collective bargaining strip only needed a simple majority to pass, which it did, 18-1.

No Democrats required.

No Democracy required, either.

Probably unlawful, too.

Needless to say, people raised a howl, and efforts to recall six GOP state satraps and their odious Koch-sucker of a governor are proceeding.

What Are You Giving Up?

Memento, homo, quia pulvis est . . . Remember, Man, that thou art dust, and to dust thou shalt return . . .

Tuesday was Mardi Gras, Fat Tuesday.

Which means that yesterday was Ash Wednesday, the first day of the forty days of Lent.

Which means you'll see otherwise serious people strolling bout with smudges of ash on their foreheads, and much talk of penance and Giving Things Up.

I like to play along, at times, so most years I give up my relatives for Lent.

This year, though, I think I'll give up something I actually like, so I'll give up beef liver for Lent.

Ahh, beef liver, cut into thick steaks, washed and soaked in milk to kill the strong taste, then dredged in a light dusting of flour and sauteed in rendered bacon fat, then served with crisp bacon and caramelized onions . . .

Sorry. I digress.

What might you give up for Lent this year?

Saturday, March 05, 2011

Resetting the Bar

Earlier this week, the Supreme Court of the United States ruled, by an 8-1 margin, that the egregiously hateful, despicable and downright awful entity known as the "Westboro Baptist Church" has First Amendment protection for its homophobic rhetoric and its unspeakably evil penchant for picketing military funerals while waving signs reading God Hates Fags.

Well, maybe so. It's nice to see where the bar is set.

The Revved-Up Phred Phelps and his ricket-ridden, milky, gammy-handed family of things (seriously, Phred, you really shouldn't let relatives screw, you know?) aren't dead, which surprises me.

So ...

God hates Scott Walker, the Koch-sucking union hating Governor of Wisconsin.

God hates John Boehner, the orange skinned cocksucker who'd sell his own mother to a Port Said pimp if it'd help his golf game or line his pockets.

God hates Lindsey Graham, the prissy pussy-ass cracker motherfucker who wants people to believe he's a macho man, but is in actuality a mincing nancy boy.

God hates Glenn Beck, which is why Glenn is getting so incoherent that his rants don't even qualify as Beat poetry anymore. It's more like the ravings I've come to associate with people experiencing prolonged hallucinogen binges.

God hates Rush Limbaugh, or Rush might lose weight, lay off the drugs and stop jerking his micropenis to pictures of naked Caribbean boys.

God hates Ann Coulter, or he'd fulfill her dreams by increasing her weight and finding her a proper conservative man to treat her the way she wants to be treated - by beating her every time she dares open her mouth, and by keeping her in the kitchen barefoot and pregnant.

God hates John McCain, or he wouldn't have saddled him with Sarah Palin.