Another Sign of Impending Apocalypse (Sign #75,520)

A little video clip from Yahoo News caught my eye, and after laughing I started to cry. Two assholes in Canada decided to start a world league for - brace yourselves - Rock/Paper/Scissors enthusiasts.

I expect ESPN will start showing it soon; after all, they show Scrabble tournaments.

Thank Jesus, Allah, and Cthulhu!

Newt Gingrich - The Fallen Angel of the GOP al Qaeda, The Architect of the Worst Congressional Dynasty in US History, Author of the "Contract on America," has decided NOT to run for President of the United States in 2008.

There are probably a few reasons for this.

1. He can't raise any money. With the evangelicals pouting and festering in their own rancid juices and with the rest of the Party mired in scandals and torn like fresh bread between the likes of the other ten or so candidates (from Mittens Romney to the Dessicated Corpse of Fred Thompson), there just isn't enough lucre to throw Newtie's way.

2. The Smoke-Filled Room Hypothesis. It's entirely possible that Newt was told by whatever bigwigs there are left in the GOP that he still truckles to to lay off this time around, and possibly wait for a VP nod at the convention. It had to be something sweet, or he would have given them the finger.

3. He's sick.

4. He decided that the time is not right, and it's best to wait until after 2008 and for the dust and smoke to settle down after the GOP has been beaten up sufficiently. This way, he can look like the Party's savior, right down to the white, halo-like hair helmet.

5. He has more integrity.

Sorry, I couldn't keep a straight face while I typed #5. Remember, this is a man who divorced his wife as she lay dying of cancer so he could marry some young chippie. So much for a "family values" image, plus the ethics scandal that toppled him from the Speaker's Chair like some decrepit Weeble and chased him out of Congress.

I'm thanking the three entities above, because now I don't have to raise the number of Downright Morons to nineteen.

George Bush Has Only Himself to Blame for Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Read the title again. Again and again, until you're so mad at me that you'll listen to what I'm about to say.

That's the genius of the First Amendment, after all. Freedom of speech, even the freedom to dissent and to voice contrary viewpoints.

The people of Iran were going to the polls in 2004, to elect a new President as well as members of its Majlis, or parliament.

Hold the phone there - George Bush and all his merry minions (along with a high number of supposedly smart people) state with quite a bit of conviction that Iran's a dictatorship. Unfortunately, the truth is somewhat more complex than that; Iran's a parliamentary democracy with some modifications. I'll get to those later.

As I was saying, Iranians were going to the polls in late 2004, and it was hoped that a moderate or even a slightly liberal candidate might get elected to the presidency. Some Americans were hoping that as well, to quiet down some of the rhetoric and strains between the Islamic Republic and the USA.

Enter George W. Bush.

Bush started talking about the Iranian elections as if he had anything to do with them, and then acted all surprised when the Iranian voters did exactly the opposite of what he told them to do - they elected the hard-line Mayor of Tehran as President. That man was Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, currently tarred as a "dictator" by those supposedly smart people I mentioned earlier.

Hence the title of this post. George, be careful what you wish for. You had to drop inflammatory rhetoric into another country's electoral process; you should not be surprised if they do the opposite of what you tell them.

One of the things we are told to fear about Iran (according to the Slave Media and the Chattering Class) is that Ahmadinejad could order his troops into war with us. Well, once again the truth rears its ugly head - the President of Iran is not the country's commander-in-chief. That office is held by the real head of state, the Supreme Leader of the Islamic Council, the Ayatollah Ali Khamenei.

Another thing we're supposed to fear is an attack on Israel with nuclear weapons. Months ago (or so) I wrote a post on my website stating that Iran would not nuke Israel for one simple reason: The third holiest site in all of Islam is there. Look it up - it's called the Haram el-Sharif, or Noble Sanctuary.

I think that Ahmadinejad is up for re-election possibly in 2008, so naturally the bullshit is ramping up and the war drums are starting to thrum again. Those certain people want to attack Iran before their Favorite Boogeyman gets voted out of office (which is possible; he's not too popular there now).

Marcel Marceau Died

The news was late in reaching me, as the courier was stuck walking against the wind.

::drum sting:: But seriously, folks.

I dislike mimes for much the same reason I dislike clowns - they represent Evil. The gaudier the clown, the more Evil is represented until you reach a level of Evil that can only be considered Unspeakable. And what better way to communicate Unspeakable Evil than through mime?

Okay, I'll take my meds and go lay down now.

Downright Morons - Candidate Roundup

The famous journalist and afflicter of the comfortable H.L. Mencken once wrote:

"As democracy is perfected, the office represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. We move toward a lofty ideal. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron."

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, dear readers, we have achieved a state of perfection in American democracy.

Don't believe me?

Let's take a gander at the current field of Democratic and Republican Presidential candidates, and you'll see:

Joseph Biden: The Senator from Bank of America, Chase and the other banks and credit card companies that operate out of the State of Delaware hasn't had an original idea in his head that wasn't borrowed from someone else.
Hillary Clinton: Hillary actually has a shot at the nomination, worse luck for her. Right now the Lunatics are only lobbing words (socialized medicine, Communism, lesbian) because of their pants-wetting fear of women; imagine what they'll start throwing if she actually gets the nod.
Christopher Dodd: The one member of the group with some national name recognition and the balls to state his positions forcefully. Of course, he doesn't stand a chance.
John Edwards: Eh. Might make a good Veep, but he's got a Potomac jones.
Mike Gravel: He knows he stands the same chance as a snowball in Hell, so he's liberated - he'll say whatever pops into his head. Crowd-pleaser, but a mere speed bump.
Dennis Kucinich: Like Dodd, only shorter. Looks a bit silly, too.
Barack Obama: Check up to my comments regarding Hillary. Barack, keep your head down - some right-wing redneck's going to take a potshot at you at some point in the campaign.
Bill Richardson: The only Hispanic on the list, he did have a decent shot until a series of missteps and bad comments raised the specter of putting into the Oval Office someone just as clueless as Dubya.

And now, the Republicans (bear in mind, please, that I am Republican):

Sam Brownback: The Senator from South Dakota will have to put up with a lot of "Brownback Mountain" jokes if he ever manages to raise his silhouette above the second tier. As to garnering the support of the GOP al Qaeda ("The Base"), it's a possibility.
Rudy Giuliani: A dark horse in a loose box. Rudy's got so many people gunning for him right now that it's no longer funny; it's hilarious. Everyone from pro- and anti-abortion groups, his ex-wives, the NYPD and FDNY first responders at the WTC, and gay and anti-gay groups are all either pissed off or confused. Which can also piss them off. And Rudy's the front-runner.
Mike Huckabee: I heart Huckabee (actually, I DON'T). It seems that even in his home state of Arkansas the only time he gets any real name recognition is in association with his weight loss. Came in second in the Iowa straw poll.
Duncan Hunter: Racist, anti-immigration candidate from California. He might end up fighting Tancredo for his share of extreme fringe vote - you know, the ones who talk to Jesus on a two-way radio and immediately hate everyone who doesn't talk/act/look/think like they do.
Alan Keyes: I used to like Alan Keyes, way back in the first Bush administration - he was an African-American GOP member who was unafraid to speak his mind about the relevant issues. Then he got snubbed, started his own talk radio show and turned into someone who is so rabid that he disowned his own daughter for being a lesbian. Besides, he's an African-American; with all the current trouble the GOP field has in making debate dates with minority groups, the Party's getting nervous.
John McCain: I call McCain The Political Bisexual - willing to adopt or espouse any position so long as it'll get him votes. He recently revealed his Religious Bisexuality, by waffling between Episcopalian and Baptist until finally settling on Baptist (it suits his pandering well to appeal to a large chunk of the GOP al Qaeda in this way). I respect him still for his military service, but will I vote for him? Dream a little faster.
Ron Paul: Another minor candidate in the Mike Gravel mold, Paul can say what he likes and try to shock his fellow Republicans into at least a fraction of a second of self-examination before being shouted down.
Mitt Romney: I call him "Mittens" because he seems to be dominated or at least subservient to his wife. Came in first in the Iowa straw poll after spending a shitload of money to garner only 30% of the vote. Waffles almost as much as Carter did in '76. He's a businessman, apparently, which begs the question: Based on the track record of George W Bush, do we REALLY want another "CEO President?"
Tom Tancredo: Another racist fringe candidate, this time from Colorado. He's all anti-immigration and inveighs against immigrants, conveniently forgetting the fact that he's Italian and his surname is of German (actually Gothic) derivation. Less said about him the better, actually.
Finally, we come to the Dessicated Corpse of Fred Thompson: You know, I'm so glad that Tommy Thompson dropped out of the race so I won't get him confused for this winded gasbag. He was a spy for the Nixon Administration during the Watergate hearings, a phony on the hustings in Tennessee, a lazy 1.5-term Senator from that same state, and a one-dimensional actor. Which makes the GOP love him to pieces, as he simulates their Patron Saint, Ronald Reagan (who named names for McCarthy, shilled for GE and was a one-dimensional actor, as well as a state Governor). However, Thompson shows signs of either being his trademark lazy-ass self (intellectually as well as physically) or having creeping dementia. Or maybe his trophy wife's keeping him up past his bed time.

So there you have it, folks. And as I look over the eighteen members of this field I am left with a question:

Is this the BEST we can do?

Talk Like A Pirate day is Tomorrow! ARR!

In honor of International Talk Like A Pirate Day, I unveil my pirate name:

My pirate name is:

Black Sam Kidd

Like anyone confronted with the harshness of robbery on the high seas, you can be pessimistic at times. Even though you're not always the traditional swaggering gallant, your steadiness and planning make you a fine, reliable pirate. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from piratequiz.com.
part of the fidius.org network

And here's the test where you can get your very own piratical moniker!

Iranian TV and the Holocaust

Iranian President Mahmud Ahmedinejad apparently has little love for the State of Israel, going so far as to call for the Jewish state to be "wiped off the map." He also denies that the Holocaust took place.

However, a program on Iranian state-run television might indicate a moderation of that stance.

The miniseries is called Zero Degree Turn, and it's a love story between an Iranian diplomat in Paris trying to get his French Jewish girlfriend out of the country before the Nazis ship her and her family off to the concentration camp.

Which raises a question.

What the hell's this?

Well, it seems that the state broadcasting system isn't under the authority of the President in Iran, but under the Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Khamenei. One media analyst on CNN opined that the Ayatollah was wanting to send two messages:

1. It's the Jewish state they're pissed at, not the Jews; and

2. The 25,000 Jews in Iran have nothing to worry about.

Quite an interesting state of affairs, don't you think?

Interesting Parts of My Body, Part #457 ...

Drum roll, please ....

Introducing, here and exclusively, the interior of my stomach!
As I indicated in an earlier post some time ago, I've been having a problem with gastric reflux. Well, I was sent to a gastroenterologist last week, who arranged a date for me with a camera-equipped hose. I just came back from the procedure.

On the bright side, I was informed that there are no cancerous lesions, ulcers or polyps in evidence, and no illegal immigrants or squatters.

On the flip side, still no idea what's causing me to have vomiting fits.

We shall have to see, so stay tuned.

I Figured It Out!

I know now why the Christian Taliban in the United States are trying so hard to create a state religion in this country.

We've never had a religious war in this country, you see. The assholes who are trying to establish "God's Law" here have no historical equivalency to the Troubles in Northern Ireland or the Thirty Years' War.

So they're trying to establish a state faith so that we can all learn just how much fun it'll be to firebomb your neighbors just because you don't like their tribal god-totem.

Makes sense, doesn't it?

Protesting Too Much

I took occasion to watch an editorial blow by none other than the immortal Ben Stein on CBS Sunday Morning in regard to bathroom malefactor Senator Larry Craig (R-ID). Stein took the opportunity to excoriate the airport police in Minneapolis, saying that they were "out of control" and wondering if they had other, possiblky more important things to do (like protecting us from terrorists).

Methought that the inestimable Mr. Stein did protest too much.

Here's why.

No one is holding it against Craig for any supposed homosexual behavior; however, having sex in a public place is still against the law. The police are, among other things, supposed to enforce all the laws and not just the ones that please Mr. Stein.

Which begs the question of whether Mr. Stein has a dog in this hunt, too.