A Thought

While on the way to work back on Tuesday, I went past a church. That's not a big surprise; despite Louisiana's assertion that it is the most religious state in the Union, churches are thick on the ground here in America's Soft Dangling Bits.

This church had a sign out front, but instead of the usual duck-billed platitude the church was announcing an Easter Egg Hunt.

Easter ... Eggs?

Now, I don't claim to be a complete Biblical scholar, but there's nothing in the New Testament that mentions eggs, bunnies or marshmallow peeps.

I recall a cross and some very large and painful nails, but no decorated eggs.

Of course, eggs and bunnies and so forth are symbols of Springtime renewal, so they can be appropriate. But not at a church, as they are pagan symbols of Springtime renewal.

Just another example of the Great Borg Religion assimilating every other faith in its path way back in the early days.

I wonder if the little kids are told that.

America Playing "Mystery Date"

Dancing With Who Brung Ya ... Premature Buyer's Remorse ... The Nature of the Beast; Long Hot Summer in Tampa Looming

If you're a person of a certain age, you'll probably recall the board game Mystery Date. Pre-teen girls used to play it years before the Madonna Patented Slut Kit came out. According to the commercials, it was good clean fun:



That's what Republicans are doing right now - playing Mystery Date. Unfortunately, though, it would appear that the pictures revealed by little door have been nothing but duds.

We're down to only four now, a selection comprising a woman-hating self-righteous asshole, a senile old man, a bloated serial adulterer and a well-dressed department store mannequin.

And the really ugly bit is that the mannequin, former Governor Willard 'Mittens' Romney, may end up being The Dream Date.

The latest ABC/WaPo poll shows Mittens with a stultifying 19-point gap in popularity between him and President Obama. Even Republicans don't like him, and having GHW Bush and John Ellis "Jeb!" Bush endorse him may not count for much.

There are those who think that there might be an alternative lurking in the wings, another, better picture in the deck, but hope for that is fading. Romney's using what could best be described as a "Kill It With FIRE!" offense - throwing vast amounts of money at his opponents to swamp them with attack ads.

For example, he's outspending his nearest competitor (Ayatollah Santorum) about 55 to 1 in Wisconsin, with comparable ratios in practically every other state they've contested.

Thanks to the Citizen's United decision, this is what we're faced with, folks.

It's no longer the Best and the Brightest.

It's not even the Worst and the Meanest (pace Newton Gingrich).

It's now a matter of how much money you can either possess, or induce people to give to you, or persuade some rich sugar daddy to provide. The actual Vox Populi is fading into the background.

All of which means that there will be a vast herd of idiots descending on Tampa to clog up the roads, buy out the stock in the bars, ogle the strippers on Dale Mabry, and generally carry on little realizing that they've been bought and paid for ever since the New Hampshire primary.

Quote Without Comment

Sheer Win Edition.

“You win by giving people the opportunity to see a different vision for our country, not someone who’s just going to be a little different than the person in there . . . If you’re going to be a little different, we might as well stay with what we have instead of taking a risk with what may be the etch a sketch candidate of the future.”

- Rick Santorum, GOP Presidential Candidate

¿Elección de domingo? ¡Usted muchachos traviesos!

Election Day in Puerto Rico ... How Santorum Got His Groove Back ... How Romney Lost His Mind ... Ron Paul Comes in Behind Nobody ...

Over the weekend we saw the GOP primary in the Commonwealth of Puerto Rico, with twenty delegates up for grabs. Romney romped on this one, but he had a lot of help from Rick Santorum in getting all those lovely delegates that he needs to win the nomination.

First, Santorum was spotted displaying his winter plumage and man-boobs poolside, an occasion causing some mild hilarity. He conceded he could lose a few pounds.

He lost those pounds by swallowing both of his feet when he said that Puerto Rico won't become a state in the good ol' USA until they learn to speak English like proper Amurkans. That went over like a cabbage fart at a midnight Mass.

Nice to see the Mullah from Pennsylvania back on form, although it must have bothered him to campaign on the Sabbath. Not very, um, Christian of him.

***

Mitt Romney decided to blame Barack Obama for the good economic news.

Say what?

Well, in his rather convoluted way the Mittbot said that, yes, the economy's getting better - but it would have gotten betterer if it hadn't been for those meddling kids. Speaking of meddling, Mitt's convinced that the President has a magic wand that he can wave and drop gas prices like a stone down a dry well. It doesn't work that way, Mitt. Might I suggest you think of something popular - like advocating the elimination of oil subsidies, or maybe stifling the war drums about Iran?

Speaking of War and Mitt, it seems that after ten years of warfare in Afghanistan Romney still hasn't collected enough information to make a definite statement one way or the other. On one of the Sunday chat shows he managed the neat trick of coming out in favor of a longer stay in The Graveyard of Empires and simultaneously calling for a speedy withdrawal.

***

Doddering Old Fool Ron Paul came in dead fucking last in Puerto Rico, with one report having him coming in behind former Reagan staffer and Self-Hating Gay Republican Fred Karger. Paul must also be very proud of how his supporters got arrested for disrupting the Missouri caucus.

***

It's onward to Illinois (Tuesday) and Louisiana (Saturday). Latest polling shows Romney with either a slim or an insurmountable lead, but we have to remember there are plenty of yahoos in the southern counties that could go for a heaping dollop of Santorum. Louisiana might go for Ricky, or maybe Newt if Gingrich's sugar daddy cuts him another check.

Away, Down South !

Mullah Ricky Stomps on the Competition ... Gingrich's Cri de Coeur ... What Is That Senile Fool Up To? ... The Show That Will End in Tampa?

"Away down south in the Land of Cotton
I smell you and you smell rotten!
Go away! Go away! Go away, Dixieland!"

Two huge primaries were decided back on Tuesday in two rather unlikely states, Mississippi and Alabama. A poll released just before the voting revealed something that should shock no one - that a majority of the Republican voters in those two states steadfastly believe that President Obama is Muslim, and don't believe in evolution.

Again, that comes as no surprise. Both states are deep red - meaning that Ignorance is cultivated there as a cash crop. Mississippi is the poorest state in the nation, with a high percentage of teen pregnancies and a whole raft of other handicaps (notably Haley Barbour). But on the other hand, MS does get more Federal money than it pays into the kitty in taxes, so I suppose that's a plus.

Newton "I'm Not As Fat As Baron Harkonnen, And I Have Better Hair" Gingrich considered these two states (Alabama particularly) as his "firewall," two states that he absolutely had to have in order to maintain his legitimacy as a viable candidate for the nomination. He's from Georgia and he can connect with the voters. All he had to do was campaign hard, and trust to Romney to stick his expensive shoes in his mouth.

Which Romney did, frequently and with great hilarity, from his statements about liking "cheesy grits" and catfish to his affected drawl. So it looked like Gingrich might have won, right?

Wrong.

Santorum campaigned like a ferret on crank, and by about ten o'clock Eastern Time was doing the weasel war dance all over the place. While proclaiming his victory in Alabama, he got word that the race in Mississippi had been called for him as well, which amped up the crowd so much I thought they were actually watching the last Crimson Tide game.

The Wannabe Mullah connected with voters down there more than Gingrich did, and at the podium finish it was Santorum on top (Eww!) with Gingrich coming in a close second and Romney breathing down his neck at third. The Two-by-Four managed that much, and his campaign had started downplaying expectations about a day before the voting actually started. Mittens got the booby prize of the night by winning the all-important Hawaii caucus.

Gingrich decided to vent his frustration, an act somewhat reminiscent of a humpback whale venting out its blowhole or a massive, blattering beer fart. It boiled down to one short sentence that any parent of a teenager will have heard at some point: "People just don't understand me!"

Not so, Newton: The problem is that people understand you too well.

All of which put Doddering Old Fool Ron Paul a distant fourth, where he's been ever since the last creep left the field. Supposedly Paul's a gynecologist or obstetrician by trade - all I know is I never want any member of my family setting foot in his practice (or his hideous clot of a son's for that matter). I just hope he's a better doctor than he is a candidate.

Rumors of some sort of backroom deal (the kind of thing all GOP candidates and voters say they abhor) between Romney and Paul started moving around, with the following basics - that at the convention Paul will throw his massive, swollen nut of 50 or so delegates to Romney, along with his endorsement and that of his merry band of minions, in exchange for Mittens putting Rand Paul on the ticket as Veep.

Which just made me wonder something: With all the bullshit about the Mormons posthumously baptizing non-Mormons so they go to heaven, did any of them give Hitler the Get Out Of Jail Free card? Just asking.

Santorum wants to debate Romney, the putative puta front-runner, one on one. Gingrich has vowed to fight on in memory of all those ragged, starving, out-of-ammunition rebels just before Lee went to meet Grant, and no one knows why the blistering fuck Ron Paul is still even in the race. It all ends in Tampa, where I hear that the strip joints are feverishly preparing pressure washers and steam hoses to clear away the tidal wave of straight-laced Good Christian Republican semen.

More popcorn?

You Don't Have to Go Home, But You Can't Stay Here

Over the weekend, a US soldier, identified so far only by his rank as a staff sergeant, left his base in Afghanistan.

He went to several Afghan homes, and shot sixteen Afghans - nine of them children. According to the BBC, several of the children were killed by single shots to the head. There is also evidence that some were set on fire after they were shot.

Five or so others are being treated for wounds, and after his little outing the soldier returned to his base and turned himself in.

I think it's time we left. We have stayed too long for any good we are doing.

Let us go.

John Boehner Speaks!

Or, Out of the Mouths of Fools.

The Great Orange-Skinned One, the Oompa-Loompah from Ohio, the Speaker of the House of Reprehensibles, John "Crying Man" Boehner (R-OH), sat down to have a chat with the Wall Street Journal over the weekend.

Among the many nose nuggets he fished out and flicked at the reporter was little gem, one of several amazing things said while the rest of us were trying to catch up on sleep:

"We got 435 members. It's just a slice of America, it really is. We got some of the smartest people in the country who serve here, and some of the dumbest. We got some of the best people you'd ever meet, and some of the raunchiest. We've got 'em all."

One has to wonder which category Boehner files himself under. Being a fairly typical politician (that is, a flaming narcissist), he will probably lump himself in with the smart people.

And yes, we have to recall that we voted for these 535 idiots (I include the Senate). We voted for them. They didn't pass through an interspatial membrane, nor are they The Lizard People of Whamadoodle IX.

There's a reason P.J. O'Rourke titled his book about the Congress Parliament of Whores.

Bleeding Kansas

... And the Half-Sane Prince (Of The Church) ... Romney Bails On The Sunflower State ... Can A Patrician From Massachusetts Love Grits, And Does It Go Well With Scrod? ...

The Kansas caucuses are now history.

His Eminence Rick Santorum, Archbishop of Kookyville, trounced the field and won about 33 of the 40 delegates on offer. This boosts his standing on the hustings, but according to Romney's staffers it won't matter anyway.

See, Romney wants the rest of the candidates to drop out of the race now, so he can suffer all the way to Havana (or Tampa, if you prefer). The other three worthless assholes in the race, however, don't see it that way.

For some reason, Romney didn't show up to campaign in Kansas, letting his name recognition and fireball personality ... oh, yeah, right. He lost.

He did pick up the immense delegate haul from Guam and the Northern Marianas. Looks like something good came out of Abramoff after all.

So now attention turns to the Deepest bit of the Deep South, the home of NASCAR fans, dyed-in-the-wool Confederacy freaks, meth addicts and sheer blithering lunatics. I'm talking about Mississippi and Alabama, folks.

Romney opened up with a fantastic ploy guaranteed to win the hearts and minds of Southerners who might be suspicious about voting for a rich non-Baptist Jack Mormon from one of them there elitist Northeastern states who was born on third base believing he'd hit a triple.

Said ploy being telling everyone that he was "learning to like grits," the gratuitous use of "Ya'll," and saying that he was a "kinda politician." At a campaign event featuring the rock group Alabama, Mittens suggested they play the song Sweet Home Alabama.

Which is by Lynyrd Skynyrd, not Alabama.

I don't think that Microsoft 'Speak Southern' software patch is working too well, Willard.

Newton Gingrich (again, I'll use his full first name as much as possible, as the short form is an affront to good amphibians everywhere) laughed off Romney's ploy as a typical carpetbagger smokescreen and touted the fact that he'd lived in neighboring Georgia. He confidently expects to win in Mississippi and Alabama.

Saint Santorum is also expecting to do well. Jesus is second only to college football in those two states. Doddering Old Fool Ron Paul keeps blathering on, apparently content to muddle along at fourth or third place in practically every race so far, and maybe far into the future as the Republican Traveling Circus lurches and stumbles and staggers into Tampa, where the deal will go down.

"Super" Tuesday

You and me both, Kitty.

You and me both.

The GOP had their "Super" Tuesday cavalcade of primaries and caucuses yesterday, and we can draw a few conclusions based on the results:

1. The Well-Coiffed 2x4 will win the GOP nomination for President.

2. Said Well-Coiffed One has shown an erosion of his support (example: The total number of GOP voters in North Dakota last night was less than the total number of votes Obama got from North Dakota in the 2008 general election).

3. Based on Point 2, Romney will likely lose to President Obama in November.

Now, there were ten states involved, so let's do a quick recap:

Georgia: Gingrich had to win this, as it's his home state. He did, in fact, win, but never came anywhere close to winning anywhere else. Hear those slurping sounds? That's Newton, licking Sheldon Adelson's taint for another $10 million check.

Massachusetts and Vermont: Romney's home state and neighbors. He won handily.

Oklahoma, Tennessee and North Dakota: These went for Santorum, based largely on the yahoo vote. As a side note, Closeted Gay Man Randall Terry managed (maybe) to win one delegate away from President Obama in the Democratic primary in Oklahoma.

Alaska and Idaho: Surprisingly, Ron Paul didn't show much strength here; both states went for Romney. Alaska has a reputation of being very individualistic and libertarian despite getting oil royalty checks from the state government every year, and Idaho is supposedly crawling with white supremacist ratfuckers (Paul has traditionally gotten support from such people). He's defiantly staying in the race, the poor senile old dope.

Virginia: Neither Gingrich nor Santorum were on the ballot here, having stupidly forgotten to file their petitions on time. Two things to take away from here - Romney only got 60%, and Paul (whose sociopathic vision of government would appeal to the racist demographic) didn't show sufficient strength.

Ohio: This was the biggie, as it had the largest nut of delegates as well as being the first state to have down-ticket races to set the slate for the general. Romney outspent Santorum 4:1 in Ohio, and managed to squeak past with a measly one percentage point (about 11,000 votes). He labored mightily, and brought forth a mouse.

In Ohio's down-ticket elections, Sam Wurzelbacher (a/k/a Joe the Plumber, Who Is Not Actually A Plumber) managed to strain out a victory in the primary. Pundits say he doesn't stand a chance against his Democratic opponent. Mean Jean Schmidt, the disgusting self-hating harridan whose presence helped foul the US House of Representatives since 2005, lost, as did Dennis Kucinich. Kucinich has threatened to pull up stakes, scuttle to another state, and run there to stay in Congress. What's the matter, Dennis? Didn't make enough money from lobbyists yet?

All in all, watching the "Super" Tuesday returns was a wee bit like watching a snuff film - you feel vaguely soiled just by watching it, but it feels good when it stops.

Monday News Roundup

The war drums continue to throb in the late-winter air, gentle readers, reminding us that the Top In The Relationship wants us to throw ourselves headlong into yet another war on the Asian landmass. Yes, indeedy, Israel wants war with Iran, and the neocons in this country just bend right over and beg, "Will you at least kiss us this time?"

A group of retired generals have put out a full-page ad, signed by them all, asking can we please not stick our collective genitalia in the meat slicer again, pretty please with sugar on top?

I'm surprised. If they had done this in a Republican Administration, they'd all be in Gitmo right now, trying out that new soccer pitch. Which leads me to that - a few people at work questioned the wisdom of having a soccer pitch, until I pointed out that it was probably built on the beds of land mines that keep the base separate from the country it belongs to; i.e., Cuba.

***

Homophobia got back into the news, with Useless Has-Been Kirk Cameron holding forth that The Gay was destructive. News flash, Kirk: It's destructive if it's done wrong. You obviously have had a bad experience.

The ruler of Belarus remarked over the weekend that he thought it was better to be dictator than gay. From the look of his picture, I think he's smoked the old Baloney Pony at some point in his life. Maybe he and Kirk can hook up.

***

Speaking of Useless Drains on Our Precious Resources, Rush Limbaugh issued a tepid "apology" to the young college student he called a slut for using birth control. The "apology" was painstakingly hand-crafted by The Viagra Smuggler's bevy of lawyers after more than a half-dozen corporate sponsors bailed on his flabby ass.

And in a breathtaking display of cognitive functions, America's Senile Uncle, Ron Paul (R-TX, gee ya think?) let everyone know that Rush's "apology" wasn't genuine. I'm so glad that the Sociopath candidate for President is still capable of displaying enough thinking skill to enable him to tie his own shoes.

How's this for stupidity? Pat Robertson says that the recent spate of tornadoes are due to a lack of prayer. Will someone get this guy more Aricept, please?

***

A shitstorm of hideous tornado weather has smacked into states like Kentucky, Ohio, Indiana, and so on, killing a bunch of people and erasing entire towns. If you have any money to donate, dear readers, I suggest the Red Cross or a similar disaster relief organization.

Ohio's Governor, Drooling Republican Kasich, has waved away Federal disaster aid. He says that Ohio can manage all on its own, but that he may ask for assistance 'later.' 'Later' might be too late for a lot of people, which includes the people who voted this jackass into office.

***

Just for fun:

The Montgomery County, Texas, Sheriff's Department became one of the first police agencies in the country to get its very own remotely piloted surveillance drone. At $300,000 it's a tad pricey in this economy, but so what? The police need it.

The SWAT team decided to have a photo op with the drone, which looked as if it was going to be a lot of fun.

Until the drone lost contact and crashed into the team's armored car.

***

And, finally, just to remind you there are Beautiful Things still in the world, check out this little photo spread featuring the splendor of Micaela Schaefer's breasts.

Andrew Breitbart, RIP

Conservative gadfly and blogger Andrew Breitbart died unexpectedly today at age 43.

All of us here at M2C extend our condolences to his family.